When The German Anti-Terror Units Aren’t Sick The German Taliban Are

December 3, 2013 By Hermann Observer in Habeas Corpus, Habitudes, Hard Facts, Health, Helplessness, High Art, Home Cooking, Humor, Hustle (Hoax), Hypochondria Tags: Afghanistan, Bundeswehr, Disease Mongering, Fake Illnesses, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Hypochondria, Justice, Law, Legalese, Legality, Satire, Taliban, Terror, Terrorists 1 Comment

Only Germans can come up with Pretraumatic Stress Disorder. But now we can take this puppy up a notch higher.

“German Taliban” Josef D. (the guy in the middle with the skin problem) joins a terrorist group, gets himself a Kalaschnikow, goes to Afghanistan intending to do that jihad thing but then gets Durchfall (diarrhea) and therefore cannot take part in all the cool attacks planned on US installations there so he has to return home to Germany where he promptly gets busted (I’m not sure for what, though).

Now his lawyer informs us that his Schuldfähigkeit (legal culpability) needs to be looked into very intensely and thoroughly-like because not only does this guy have terrible awful diarrhea problems, he also suddenly seems to be suffering from some kind of mysterious mental disorder. Uh, wait a minute. Don’t all terrorists suffer from some kind of mysterious mental disorder?

Anyways, this all has a certain logic to it if you ask me. Germany is the number one country when it comes to doctor visits, after all. Politicians get sick and throw in the towel here all the time. German intellectuals regularly get ill or “burn out” while analyzing the world around them. A huge portion of German youth suffers from “social phobia” and half a million Germans are hopelessly “addicted” to the Internet. Hell, even the German Pope gets sick and has to go into early retirement, for crying out loud.

It’s just not easy being a German, I guess. Without getting sick, I mean. But like doesn’t somebody out there – who is German – have to do it?

Wegen einer chronischen Durchfallerkrankung habe er aber nicht an Anschlägen und Angriffen der Gruppe auf afghanische und US-Einrichtungen teilnehmen können, so die Bundesanwaltschaft.

Pretraumatic Stress Disorder?

November 26, 2013 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Health, Helplessness, High Art, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings, Hustle (Hoax), Hypochondria Tags: Afghanistan, Bundeswehr, Disease Mongering, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Mental Health, Soldiers Leave a comment

Please tell me what I don’t understand here. I just have to have missed something. I reread this article several times, too.

According to a German report about posttraumatic stress disorder, about one fifth of German soldiers suffer from psychische Vorerkrankung (pre-existing psychic strain) BEFORE they are deployed abroad.

I mean, I know Germans are super efficient and all that. But how the hell do you get posttraumatic stress disorder before you ever even make it to the post?

Laut einer Studie zu posttraumatischen Belastungsstörungen (PTBS) haben 20 Prozent der Soldaten eine psychische Vorerkrankung. So ist ihr Risiko größer, nach der Rückkehr unter Problemen zu leiden.

Bundeswehr Afghan Troops Now Marching Through Leipzig

October 20, 2013 By Hermann Observer in Helplessness, Hideology, High Art, History, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Afghanistan, Anniversaries, Battle of Nations, Battles, Bundeswehr, Humor, Kunduz, Leipzig, Military, Napoleon, Nationalism, Pacifism, Satire, Taliban, Terror, Völkerschlacht, War Leave a comment

With nowhere to put their dreaded and battle-tried Bundeswehr troops after the recent pullout from the Afghan province of Kunduz (German troops in Afghanistan are now being reduced from 4,000 to 800), Bundeswehr strategists have decided to use them for what they hope will be the decisive battle between Napoleon’s forces and allied troops from Austria, Prussia, Russia and Sweden instead.

German Defense Minister Thomas de Maiziere noted that a victory against the cunning French emperor would be “a turning point not only for the Bundeswehr, but also for German society itself” and would finally prove to the GermanVolk and even the rest of the world out there that the Bundeswehr “will actually shoot at people if they like absolutely, positively have to, but of course only if the UN and Starfleet Command have OK’d it in writing first.”

Thousands of people will don period costumes, mount horses and raise their muskets and sabers to recreate the decisive battle between Napoleon’s forces and allied troops from Austria, Prussia, Russia and Sweden.

German Drones More Dangerous Than We Thought

June 3, 2013 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Helplessness, Hi-tech Tags: Afghanistan, Airplanes, Berlin, Drones, German, Germans, Germany, Military, Politics, Technology 2 Comments

Peace-Loving And Moral German Soldiers Leaving Afghanistan

April 16, 2013 By Hermann Observer in Helplessness, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy Tags: Afghanistan, Bundeswehr, German, Germans, Germany, ISAF, Morality, Peace, Taliban, Terror Leave a comment

And they’ll be leaving behind some 1,700 Afghan employees in the process. Employees that the Taliban has threatened to kill as collaborators.

Germany benefited from its Afghan helpers for years, and now the Afghans are waiting for Germany to help them.

Other ISAF countries, like the United States, Canada and New Zealand, have set up generous programs for local personnel and their families. France decided to accept about 170 of its Afghan employees into the country. But the German government refuses to implement a collective solution.

“We sold off our lives for a few thousand dollars. If only I had worked for the Americans.”

10 Years Of College Down The Drain

December 28, 2012 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Helplessness, Higher Education, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy Tags: Afghanistan, Berlin, Bundeswehr, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Police, Police Academy, Satire, Training Leave a comment

I mean 10 years of hilarious German-Afghan Police Academy high jinks!

German officials have been training police in Afghanistan for a decade, but a visit to their training center in Mazar-e-Sharif creates major doubts about the effectiveness of the mission. Afghan police remain poorly prepared to tackle the mighty challenges they will face as Western forces withdraw.

“What we want to achieve with the recruits is a change in mentality,” says a German instructor. “More team spirit, a better sense of community, more loyalty. More soccer, less buzkashi*.”

*Buzkashi is the Afghan national sport and is a game in which horsemen battle over a goat carcass.

This Just In: The Taliban Is Violent And Yucky

November 4, 2012 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Hate, Health, Helplessness, High Art, Humor, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Afghanistan, Berlin, Drugs, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Ideology, Islam, Religion, Taliban, Terror, Terrorists Leave a comment

Infidel is in, again. Or at least it is for the 27-year-old German who had travelled to Waziristan with his wife intending to free the area from the “infidel occupiers” after they had converted to Islam.

He has now returned to Germany because, well, he was “disheartened by the violence and annoyed with the group’s macho and drug-taking world.”

The former fighter also complained of the unhygienic conditions in the war-torn lands of Pakistan’s Waziristan province and Afghanistan that left him infected with hepatitis, and which were, in his opinion, “incompatible with the teachings of the Koran”.

Holy crap. The Taliban is violent? Wow, like nobody had told me about that either, dude. We feel your pain (in the ass). So welcome back to the real, as in infidel world.

Grumbling German Jihadis Go Home

July 18, 2012 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Hate, Helplessness, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Afghanistan, Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Goodbye Deutschland, Humor, Islam, Islamic Terror, Jihad, Pakistan, Satire, Terror, Terrorists, Training Camps, TV Leave a comment

The German jihad just ain’t what it used to be.

A lot like those disgruntled Auswanderer (emigrant) types on Goodby Deutschland who invariably tuck in their tails and head back home in disgrace, hundreds of aspiring Islamic terrorists from Germany (and their families) have had it up to here already in Waziristan and are heading back to Deutschland in frustration and disgust.

It turns out that their living conditions in the mountains were tougher and less romantic than those portrayed in the promotional clips and what with the disease and the hardship and death always raining down from the sky from American drones and dozens of German combatants already dead, hey, not even going back to live in Germany seemed all that bad a prospect anymore.

What do you think? Which one of these guys is going to turn out to be the next Daniela Katzenberger?

“The first time I heard about going to Pakistan, my eyes almost popped out of my head. I didn’t even know if you could get Pampers there.”

“Smile and Wave”

June 18, 2012 By Hermann Observer in Helplessness, High Art, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Afghanistan, Armies, Berlin, Bundeswar, Comics, German, Germans, Germany, Graphic Novels, Humor, ISAF, Military, Politics, Satire Leave a comment

What a perfect title for a graphic novel about the Bundeswehr‘s mission in Afghanistan.

German illustrator Arne Jysch has completed his first graphic novel. Congratulations. I’m sure it’s fantasy comic material at it’s finest (in some scenes German soldiers are actually seen doing some fighting, for instance).

“The advantage of fiction is that you can combine real experiences that different people have had (in other armies?) and mix them all up,” he explains.

Jysch has never been to Afghanistan.

PS: I read recently that German soldiers in Afghanistan, being frustrated about having to be German soldiers in Afghanistan, have their own definition for ISAF: I saw Americans fighting.

Bundeswehr Protesting Koran Burning Now, Too

February 24, 2012 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Helplessness, Hysteria Tags: Afghanistan, Berlin, Combat, German, Germans, Germany, Islam, Military, Soldiers Leave a comment

In a sharp response to the pure unadulterated fear caused them by the deadly protests now taking place in Afghanistan after the inadvertent burning of copies of the Koran by a US soldier…

The German military has decided to join in the protests itself by rapidly deploying the closure of one of their bases in the north of the country and having their soldiers hightail it in the opposite direction really schnell like where they can run around in sheer panic and large concentric circles not knowing what to do next while screaming oh my God we are all going to die or something to that effect. The few, the proud, the Bundeswehr.

The base would have been shuttered in March, but officials worried its security could not be maintained in the face of the demonstrations.

Observing Hermann

“Was interessiert mich mein Geschwätz von gestern?”

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