German Of The Day: DFB

October 16, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Habeas Corpus, Hard Facts, Heconomy, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings, Hustle (Hoax), Hypocrisy Tags: 2006 World Cup, Acronyms, Bribes, Corruption, DFB, FIFA, Football, German, Germans, Germany, Language, Soccer, Sports Leave a comment

That stands for Designed for Bribery.

No, wait. Deceit, Fraud and Blackmail? How about Deception, Fleece and Breach of Trust? Duped, Framed and Bamboozled? OK, OK. DFB stands for Deutscher Fußballbund or the German Football Association. Whichever comes first.

The German Football Association (DFB) is investigating whether a €6.7million payment made to FIFA in 2005 was mis-used. The issue came to light as part of an internal audit carried out by the DFB into the awarding of the 2006 World Cup to Germany.

Der Deutsche Fußball-Bund gibt bekannt, dass eine Zahlung in Höhe von 6,7 Millionen Euro an die Fifa im Jahr 2005 womöglich zweckentfremdet worden sein könnte.

“Friends Don’t Spy On Friends”

October 15, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Higher Education, Home Cooking, Humor, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: BND, Espionage, Friends, German, Germans, Germany, NSA, Spies, Surveillance Leave a comment

So that’s why Germany’s BND spied on EU neighbors and US-Amerika itself, I guess.

The German magazine Der Spiegel has reported that Germany’s Federal Intelligence Service (BND) spied on European and American organizations until 2013.

To what depths have you sunk, Germany? A spy agency that actually spies on people? What will be next? A military that actually goes to war? A border patrol that actually protects your borders? Granted, all of this remains well within the realm of science fiction but we ARE still allowed to speculate about crazy un-German ideas like these in public here. Aren’t we?

So. I assume now that everybody in Germany is going to be REALLY REALLY empört (outraged) about this. Although you know what they say about you when you assume things. How you make an ass- out of u and -me?

Abhören unter Freunden – das geht doch: Ähnlich wie die NSA hat offenbar auch der BND die Kommunikation befreundeter EU-Staaten ausgespäht. Ziele der Spionage waren laut rbb Inforadio offenbar europäische und amerikanische Einrichtungen.

German Thoroughness Grossing Refugees Out

October 14, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Habeas Corpus, Hard Facts, Helplessness, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Asylum Seekers, Bureaucracy, German, Germans, Germany, Immigration, Lawyers, Migrants, Refugees 2 Comments

It’s taking too long to get their asylum papers processed, you see. So now they’re suing. And winning, of course.

A Somali man has won his suit against the German government for failure to act on his asylum application. Despite their increased workload, the federal office for refugees now has three months to decide his fate.

It’s one thing to flee for your life and seek refuge in a country that is apparently willing to help you out. It’s quite another thing to actually have to wait for months until your paperwork gets processed. That’s unmenschlich (inhuman) or something. Just call Larry the Lawyer. He’ll make it happen.

“Sie behandeln uns wie in Syrien.”

Just In Case You Were Wondering

October 13, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Helplessness, History, Hurt Feelings Tags: German, Germans, Germany, Journalism, Nudity, Playboy, Playmates, Pornography Leave a comment

German playmates will continue to take their clothes off. For as long as the German Playboy manages to stay solvent, at least.

And yikes! You will still need to wear sunglasses when paging through the damned thing (why are German girls so… shiny?).

In Germany, too, nudity and porn is accessible on the Internet, and the magazine’s circulation numbers are steadily declining as well. In the fourth quarter of 2009, Playboy Germany sold 256,866 issues. By the second quarter of 2015, this number had decreased to 167,700 issues, according to German statistics portal Statista.

You’re now one click away from every sex act imaginable for free. And so it’s just passé at this juncture.

Boizenburg

October 12, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Hate, Helplessness, Home Cooking Tags: Arson, Crime, German, Germans, Germany, Refugees, Xenophobia Leave a comment

Beautiful German arson attack of the week.

Because somebody has to notice they’re happening.

Ursachensuche nach Feuer in geplantem Flüchtlingsheim

What Germans Brought To Amerika?

October 11, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Higher Education, History, Home Cooking, Humor Tags: Berlin, German, German-American Day, Germans, Germany, Holidays, Immigration, TTIP 9 Comments

Other than bitching and moaning, you mean?

Whah? There’s a German-American Day? I had no idea, again. Too bad I missed the celebrations this year, too.

Hmmm. What did they bring to us (as in US), anyway? Well, there’s aspirin for one thing, for when the bitching and moaning gets to be too much. Gimme a minute. Gimme a minute, I said. OK, there’s the ring binder. That’s pretty cool. They also brought us the hair perm – and the Easter Bunny himself! Then there’s German chocolate cake. Ha, ha. Just kidding. A German doesn’t know what the hell German chocolate cake is, people. That’s as American as apple pie. Anyway, yeah. You know. They brought us stuff like that. And a lot of bitching and moaning, too. Happy holiday.

From Kindergarten and Christmas trees to hamburgers and hotdogs, German-Americans are credited with some of the most recognizable features of US culture to have emerged in the past 300 years.

Less than 5% now speak German themselves.

501 German Oddities For HOW Much?

October 10, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, High Art, Home Cooking, Humor Tags: Culture, Ebook Sales, eBooks, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Jokes, Sales, Satire, Travel Leave a comment

For only 99 cents? Why, that’s… 5.060606060606061 oddities per cent! A pretty high percentage of oddities there, I’d say. For the penny, I mean.

And worth every penny, too. Just ask Marina. If you happen to know her, I mean:

“Hermann, thank you for your blog and books, I am hooked. I recently picked up 501 German Oddities and couldn’t stop laughing. I am German, but live in Boston with my husband, who is from the area and grew up here. We cracked up so many times and just had a blast reading your book. It was actually eye opening at times to the both of us and explained some “odd” behaviors of mine to him. Super grateful for the book and can’t wait to see more blog entries. All the best, Marina.”

Sale ends next week! So hurry or something.

PS: Also available at Smashwords, Apple, Barnes & Noble, Kobo, Scribd, etc.

German Of The Day: Pomadig

October 9, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Helplessness, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings Tags: Football, German, Germans, Germany, Ireland, Language, Soccer, Sports Leave a comment

That means pomade-like. As in: all hair products, no killer instinct. “Pomadig means passionless, combined with a shot of arrogance,” it added. “It’s a combination with which you can lose a match against these wild, fighting, rocketing Irish.”

Sometimes defeat is unnecessary. Other times it’s completely unnecessary.

German reaction to defeat: ‘Das dumme Ding von Dublin’

A Fireside Chat With Angela

October 8, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Helplessness, Higher Education, History, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings Tags: Anne Will, FDR, Fireside Chats, German, Germans, Germany, Merkel, Migrants, Refugees, TV Leave a comment

Things have caught fire here and there these days, you see.

We have nothing to fear but the refugees themselves. Just kidding, Leute (people). Sort of.

Repeating the mantra “Wir schaffen das,” (“We will manage,”) German Chancellor Angela Merkel is defending her strategy on handling the refugee crisis against growing criticism.

“Let’s just assume we all would declare that we will not manage it — then what?” she asked host Anne Will in a primetime, one-on-one TV interview on Wednesday night.

Unlike critics, “I actually have to work out this problem,” says the German chancellor.

Ich habe einen Plan.

PS: The word crisis originates from the Greek word krisis, which means “decisive moment.” Krisis like circle? As in turnaround? I haven’t seen one here yet.

50,000 Demonstrators Expected!

October 7, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Heconomy, Helplessness, Hideology, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hypochondria, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, Communism, Demonstrations, Free Trade, German, Germans, Germany, Refugees, Rosa Luxemburg, Sahra Wagenknecht, Socialism, The Left Party, TTIP 1 Comment

Tens of thousands of Germans are ready to demonstrate in Berlin on October 10. Ready to demonstrate against their country being inundated by what will now be over 1.5 million refugees (this year), you ask? Nah. Langweilig (boring).

They’re foaming at the mouth about TTIP, that insidious US-Amerikanische “free trade” conspiracy that – according to leading Rosa Luxemburg lookalikes everywhere – will invariably lead to “lower standards of consumer protection, environmental protection and social standards on both sides of the Atlantic.” And it would also to more free trade, of course, which would be like the way grossest thing of all.

“I think someone wants the issue of the TTIP agreement to disappear from public view,” the politician said, referring to polls, according to which residents of those European countries where public debate on this issue is less intensive than, for example, in Germany or France, are less in favor of rejecting the contract.

Observing Hermann

“Was interessiert mich mein Geschwätz von gestern?”

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