What Germans Want

July 4, 2012 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Hi-tech, High Art, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hypochondria, Hysteria Tags: Artificial Insemination, Berlin, Bestiality, Drugs, Genocide, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Polls, Satire, Sex, Surveys 1 Comment

An online German government poll has just found out that Germans want legalized dope, a ban on sex with animals, more home births, a ban on genocide denial and more affordable artificial insemination, although not necessarily in that order.

Of course nobody asked how they would feel about the possibility of getting rid of online polls like these one day, but give them some time.

The online poll is part of an ongoing government initiative called “Dialogue on the Future” that aims to get ordinary Germans thinking about how to improve life in Germany.

PS: And in another survey it turns out that 57.6 of German women asked would rather watch “Sex and the City” (TV) than have sex.

Inferiority Superiority Complex

July 3, 2012 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Heconomy, Helplessness, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, Economics, Exports, German, Germans, Germany, Greece, Humor, Imports, Psychology, Satire, The EU, The Euro, The Euro Zone Leave a comment

North, south. Inferiority, superiority. It’s all the same to me.

Germans export more to their European partners than they consume, benefiting from this asymmetrical situation even as they expect everyone else to be exporters and savers like them.

Babies Down 15,000

July 2, 2012 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Heconomy, Helplessness, History, Hurt Feelings, Hypochondria Tags: Berlin, Demographics, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Immigration, Population, Satire Leave a comment

Germans have been dying off faster than they can replace themselves for over forty years now. It’s just what they do.

And here are last year’s numbers: 2.2 percent fewer German babies were born in 2011 then in the year before. Strangely, though, the number of inhabitants actually grew last year (them damned durn foreign immigrants again).

It’s the demographics, stupid.

Schon seit 40 Jahren sterben in Deutschland mehr Menschen als Kinder geboren werden.

The Party Is Already Over?

July 1, 2012 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Helections, Helplessness, High Art, Hurt Feelings, Hustle (Hoax), Hypocrisy Tags: Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Pirates, Political Parties, Politics, Protest, Satire, The Pirate Party Leave a comment

For the Pirate Party in Germany, I mean?

Sheesh. Even I thought it would take them longer than this to roll over and die. But the latest Emnid poll shows that their popularity (or lack of it?) has rapidly dropped to the lowest level since March (8 percent compared to their all-time high of 12 percent).

But hey, what can you expect from a party with an ex-boss who advises voters not to vote for them anymore.

Auf die Frage „Sollen wir die Piraten wählen?“ würde er inzwischen mit „Nö, lassen Sie es lieber bleiben“ antworten. Er sei von der Bilanz der Fraktion „immens enttäuscht.“

You Gotta Have Swine

June 29, 2012 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, High Art, Home Cooking, Hustle (Hoax), Hysteria Tags: Animals, Euro 2012, Football, German, German Sayings, Germans, Germany, Humor, Oracles, Pigs, Satire, Soccer, Sports Leave a comment

And the Germans didn’t have much swine last night when Italy trounced them in the Euro 2012 semi-finals 2:1.

Having pig (Schwein haben) means to have a stroke of luck, you see. And Emma the pig up there (no relation to Arnold Ziffel) knew it all along, if you can beleive that. Which I don’t.

In the race to emulate Paul the Octopus’ World Cup predicting perfection of two years ago, Emma the Mangalitsa pig from Freiburg, Germany, vaulted into sole possession of the lead on Thursday evening.

Circumcision Decision Causing Division

June 27, 2012 By Hermann Observer in High Art, Higher Education, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hypochondria, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, Circumcision, Courts, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Jews, Law, Limericks, Muslims, Religion, Ritual, Satire, Tradition 5 Comments

And may need a revision.

Leaders of Germany’s Jewish and Muslim communities have criticized a court ruling they fear could make circumcision a punishable offense in the country.

Talk about having short vision.

German courts need more tight supervision.

There was no provision for all the derision now caused by that little incision.

“This is an unprecedented and dramatic intrusion on the right to self-determination of religious communities.”

More Naked Art

June 24, 2012 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, High Art, Home Cooking, Hustle (Hoax) Tags: Art, Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Installations, Kunst, Munich, Nakedness, Nudists, Nudity, Opera, Richard Wagner, Satire 1 Comment

Asking for naked volunteers in Germany is kind of like asking if anybody is interested in having some Freibier (free beer). Especially when the nakedness has to do with uplifting Kunst and culture and crap like that. Not to mention, heaven forbid, Richard Wagner himself.

That’s why American photographer Spencer Tunick shamelessly exploited this German schamelessness and painted a whole heap of naked Germans red and gold for his art installation interpretation thingy of scenes from the opera “Der Ring des Nibelungen.”

Art for art’s sake or something. Let’s get nekkid. Boy, I’m arted out for this week. EntARTet, so-to-speak.

Tunick was invited to create the work by the Bavarian State Opera.

Forest Boy Asked To Live In Forest Again

June 20, 2012 By Hermann Observer in Helplessness, High Art, Higher Education, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings, Hustle (Hoax), Hypochondria, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, Fraud, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Ray, Satire, The Forest Boy, Welfare, Welfare Fraud 2 Comments

This time for real, though.

Berlin officials say the 20-year-old Dutchman who posed as a “forest boy” caused some $25,000 in unnecessary public expenditure during his nine-month hoax and are so pissed off about it that they are booting him out of the cushy public housing scam he had going.

“This was welfare fraud,” said one irrate municipal official. “Which is perfectly normal here, of course, but not when it’s such a big deal in the news like this. It makes us look like, I dunno, fools or something. So I’d say it’s time to hit the road, Ray. And never come back no more.”

The man arrived in Berlin in September, speaking English and claiming to be a 17-year-old teenager named Ray who had lived in forests with his father for five years, sleeping in caves or a tent, after his mother died in a car crash.

No Flag Waving Here

June 19, 2012 By Hermann Observer in Habeas Corpus, Habitudes, History, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, EM 2012, Flags, Football, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Satire, Soccer, Sports 2 Comments

Flag waving still leaves a bad taste in many a German mouth, I guess. Especially if the flag in question is 220 square meters in size.

EM 2012 nor not, Berlin officials have refused to let a Turkish store owner mount a huge German flag above his storefront in Neukölln. Ordnung muß sein (order must prevail) again already. “It was not connected properly and covered up a few windows.”

Go Germany!

“Die Entscheidung lag im Ermessen der Beamten vor Ort.”

“Smile and Wave”

June 18, 2012 By Hermann Observer in Helplessness, High Art, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Afghanistan, Armies, Berlin, Bundeswar, Comics, German, Germans, Germany, Graphic Novels, Humor, ISAF, Military, Politics, Satire Leave a comment

What a perfect title for a graphic novel about the Bundeswehr‘s mission in Afghanistan.

German illustrator Arne Jysch has completed his first graphic novel. Congratulations. I’m sure it’s fantasy comic material at it’s finest (in some scenes German soldiers are actually seen doing some fighting, for instance).

“The advantage of fiction is that you can combine real experiences that different people have had (in other armies?) and mix them all up,” he explains.

Jysch has never been to Afghanistan.

PS: I read recently that German soldiers in Afghanistan, being frustrated about having to be German soldiers in Afghanistan, have their own definition for ISAF: I saw Americans fighting.

Observing Hermann

“Was interessiert mich mein Geschwätz von gestern?”

Tag Archives: Satire