German Army Now In Hot Water For Defending Itself

After Germany’s consulate in northern Afghanistan was attacked by a suicide car bomber, killing six and injuring more than 120 others, Bundeswehr soldiers there clearly overreacted by killing two men on a motorcycle who refused to stop when ordered to do so.

Bundeswehr

Or at least that’s what we will most likely be hearing in the German Reichstag in the coming days, weeks and months to follow.

The Bundeswehr killing people? What will they be expected to do next? Go to war?

Nach dem Anschlag auf das deutsche Generalkonsulat in Masar-i-Scharif hat die Bundeswehr in der nordafghanischen Stadt zwei Motorradfahrer erschossen. Die beiden Männer sollen sich über die Aufforderung, sofort anzuhalten, hinweggesetzt haben.

When The German Anti-Terror Units Aren’t Sick The German Taliban Are

Only Germans can come up with Pretraumatic Stress Disorder. But now we can take this puppy up a notch higher.

Taliban

“German Taliban” Josef D. (the guy in the middle with the skin problem) joins a terrorist group, gets himself a Kalaschnikow, goes to Afghanistan intending to do that jihad thing but then gets Durchfall (diarrhea) and therefore cannot take part in all the cool attacks planned on US installations there so he has to return home to Germany where he promptly gets busted (I’m not sure for what, though).

Now his lawyer informs us that his Schuldfähigkeit (legal culpability) needs to be looked into very intensely and  thoroughly-like because not only does this guy have terrible awful diarrhea problems, he also suddenly seems to be suffering from some kind of mysterious mental disorder. Uh, wait a minute. Don’t all terrorists suffer from some kind of mysterious mental disorder?

Anyways, this all has a certain logic to it if you ask me. Germany is the number one country when it comes to doctor visits, after all. Politicians get sick and throw in the towel here all the time. German intellectuals regularly get ill or “burn out” while analyzing the world around them. A huge portion of German youth suffers from “social phobia” and half a million Germans are hopelessly “addicted” to the Internet. Hell, even the German Pope gets sick and has to go into early retirement, for crying out loud.

It’s just not easy being a German, I guess. Without getting sick, I mean. But like doesn’t somebody out there – who is German – have to do it?

Wegen einer chronischen Durchfallerkrankung habe er aber nicht an Anschlägen und Angriffen der Gruppe auf afghanische und US-Einrichtungen teilnehmen können, so die Bundesanwaltschaft.

Bundeswehr Afghan Troops Now Marching Through Leipzig

With nowhere to put their dreaded and battle-tried Bundeswehr troops after the recent pullout from the Afghan province of Kunduz (German troops in Afghanistan are now being reduced from 4,000 to 800), Bundeswehr strategists have decided to use them for what they hope will be the decisive battle between Napoleon’s forces and allied troops from Austria, Prussia, Russia and Sweden instead.

Leipzig

German Defense Minister Thomas de Maiziere noted that a victory against the cunning French emperor would be “a turning point not only for the Bundeswehr, but also for German society itself” and would finally prove to the GermanVolk and even the rest of the world out there that the Bundeswehr “will actually shoot at people if they like absolutely, positively have to, but of course only if the UN and Starfleet Command have OK’d it in writing first.”

Thousands of people will don period costumes, mount horses and raise their muskets and sabers to recreate the decisive battle between Napoleon’s forces and allied troops from Austria, Prussia, Russia and Sweden.

Peace-Loving And Moral German Soldiers Leaving Afghanistan

And they’ll be leaving behind some 1,700 Afghan employees in the process. Employees that the Taliban has threatened to kill as collaborators.

Afghanistan

Germany benefited from its Afghan helpers for years, and now the Afghans are waiting for Germany to help them.

Other ISAF countries, like the United States, Canada and New Zealand, have set up generous programs for local personnel and their families. France decided to accept about 170 of its Afghan employees into the country. But the German government refuses to implement a collective solution.

“We sold off our lives for a few thousand dollars. If only I had worked for the Americans.”

This Just In: The Taliban Is Violent And Yucky

Infidel is in, again. Or at least it is for the 27-year-old German who had travelled to Waziristan with his wife intending to free the area from the “infidel occupiers” after they had converted to Islam.

He has now returned to Germany because, well, he was “disheartened by the violence and annoyed with the group’s macho and drug-taking world.”

The former fighter also complained of the unhygienic conditions in the war-torn lands of Pakistan’s Waziristan province and Afghanistan that left him infected with hepatitis, and which were, in his opinion, “incompatible with the teachings of the Koran”.

Holy crap. The Taliban is violent? Wow, like nobody had told me about that either, dude. We feel your pain (in the ass). So welcome back to the real, as in infidel world.

The Viennese Taliban?

Austrian authorities have arrested an alleged Islamic extremist who had undergone flight training and was plotting to target Berlin’s parliament building by hijacking a passenger plane.

Not terribly original I know, but it’s the thought that counts.

This just doesn’t make any sense to me. Islamic convert or not, I have a hard time believing that anyone from Austria could ever disrespect an historic institution like the German Reichstag.

Germany has so far escaped a major terror attack, but several terror plots were foiled in their early stages over the past few years.

PS: “Germans are said to be correct, tidy, fast-speaking people, traveling around the world with sun-burnt faces, big cameras around their neck, drinking a lot of beer and eating sausages. Austrians, on the other hand, are considered slow, and described as placing great importance in coziness, eating fat food like Schnitzel, drinking Austrian wine, riding on white horses called Lipizzaners and singing beautifully like the famous Viennese boy choir, the Sängerknaben.” And flying airplanes into the Reichstag.

Gimme that old time religion

And this is the same Taliban that Germany wants to buy, I mean, talk to?

Just up the road from a Bundeswehr camp in a village in the region called Dasht-i-Archi, about 100 Taiban rode into town on motorcycles with two prisoners – a married man and a woman who had presumably committed adultry. They then stoned them to death in the town square.

It was not clear why the Bundeswehr was not there to do anything about this, but then again it’s never been clear why the Bundeswehr is never there to do much of anything about anything like this that happens down there. Perhaps they weren’t there because they didn’t want to interfere in the expression of religious freedom or something.

“Das Paar wurde eine Stunde lang gesteinigt und da die junge Frau noch nicht tot war, richteten sie die Taliban am Ende mit einem Kopfschuss hin.”

Germans in drag

OK, fine. But in Pakistan?

A German national terrorist type wearing a burqa got busted by Pakistani security forces while trying to sneak through a security check post in northwestern Pakistan.

Worse still, he was also wearing one of those loud and annoying German World Cup flag jerseys and antler sets everybody’s wearing around here these days – or he might as well have been.

The German was wearing a full-body sewing cloth that Muslim women wear for cultural and religious reasons.

More German troops will be sent to Afghanistan?

To do what?

“Germany may finally be ready to increase its troop contingent in Afghanistan. A news report says that Berlin might send an additional 500 troops to the war-torn country, despite widespread public opposition to the war.”

“Germany plans to shift its focus further toward training Afghan forces.”

Train them to do what? Certainly not to fight the Taliban. It’s not the number of German troops in Afghanistan that’s the problem (they’re actually going to send an additional 850), it’s the number of things German troops are refusing (or not allowed) to do.

Merkel bereitet Deutschland auf Afghanistan vor.

Who says money can’t buy you love?

You knew that Germany would come out in support of this one right from the get go. Fighting the Taliban has never been an option for the Germans (no one really seems to know why they’re down there in the first place).

So now it’s like why fight the Taliban when you can finally pull out your checkbook and buy them instead?

Funny, I thought the latest German concern about Afghanistan was all the corruption going on down there, but I guess I was wrong – and I’m certainly no statesman. It looks like the only way to fight corruption is with corruption itself.

Mit Geld will Kabul Taliban dazu bewegen, die Waffen fallen zu lassen.