Who Would Want To Stay In My Crappy Country?

September 4, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Heconomy, Helections, Helplessness, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hustle (Hoax), Hypochondria, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, EU, German, Germans, Germany, Hungary, Migration, Populism, Refugees, Viktor Orban 2 Comments

Hungarian Prime Minister Viktor Orban has brushed off calls for Hungary to reconsider its rejection of a fairer redistribution system for refugees across all countries belonging to the European Union by explaining how nobody in their right mind would want to set foot much less spend the night in a rotten country like his. He then named a few other trashy European nations no self-respecting war refugee would want anything to do with, suggesting he could name a whole lot more where those came from.

“The problem is not European, it’s German. Nobody would like to stay in Hungary, neither Slovakia, Poland or Estonia. All of them would like to go to Germany,” the well-meaning prime minister said.

Der hässliche Populismus Viktor Orbáns kann nicht über die eigentliche Ursache der Flüchtlingskrise hinwegtäuschen: Die EU hat das Thema Migration völlig unterschätzt.

Coffee From Togo To Be Heavily Taxed

September 3, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Heconomy, Helplessness, Hideology, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hypochondria, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Coffee, Deposits, Environmentalists, German, Germans, Germany, Government Intervention, Green Shirts, Greens, Language, Lobbies, Taxation 2 Comments

At last count, Germans who purchase coffee from Togo toss some 3 billion of the disposable cups used to temporarily carry it in each and every year.

Predictably outraged by this, German green shirts have predictably outraged German coffee vendors by suggesting that a 20-cent tax be placed on this luxury drink to encourage coffee Togo connoisseurs to bring along their reusable and occasionally re-washable coffee Togo coffee cups with them, preferably hanging on the environmentally friendly coffee Togo belt loop hangers attached to their biodegradable pants.

Should this prove to be too impractical for some customers, the ecological crusaders suggest, vendors should offer them a discount option (taxpayer subsidized) of drinking the invigorating beverage directly from their trembling cupped hands.

“Nehmen Sie sich ein wenig Zeit und trinken Ihren Kaffee vor Ort – aus einer Tasse.”

Not Bright To Call Germany Dark

September 2, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Helplessness, Higher Education, Home Cooking, Humility, Hurt Feelings, Hypochondria, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Europe, German, Germans, Germany, Language, Migrants, Refugees Leave a comment

It is weder (neither) dark noch (nor) bright.

Personally, I like to think of it as being more of a Wehrmacht gray. No, wait. Leave that Wehrmacht part out. Gray like all cats are in the dark, I mean. When it’s not light out there in Dark Germany.

And being that it’s always darkest before the dawn and there is no darkness but ignorance and out of darkness comes creation, well, let’s all lighten up and Schluss (enough) with these all of these dark thoughts already.

Which Germany will prevail? The Germany of racist chants from the roadside? The Germany of rioters and drunken rock-throwers? “Dark Germany,” as President Joachim Gauck calls it? Or will it be the new, bright Germany, represented by the young policeman with his roots in Afghanistan?

Racism Not Eastern German Problem

August 31, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Heconomy, Helplessness, Hideology, Hurt Feelings, Hypochondria, Hysteria Tags: Europe, German, Germans, Germany, Racism, Refugees, Schizophrenia Leave a comment

Hell no. It’s all over the place here. Although actually, what we’ve really got here is another good old case of classical German schizophrenia in action again.

The real issue isn’t the humanitarian one, however. Of course the refugees currently flooding Europe have to be helped and have to be helped in an equitable manner, i.e. each country takes on its fair share of the burden. The real issue is the unspoken one: They have to be stopped from coming here in the first place. The problems that are causing them to flee aren’t being addressed but Europe can’t solve them. Europe can’t even solve its own problems.

And the reason this issue is still unspoken is that keeping them from coming here implies doing something really unpleasant. You know, something really unpleasant like Americans and Israelis do? You know, like putting up a wall of some kind to keep them out. Set your clocks. This issue won’t remain unspoken for very much longer.

“At the moment, refugee shelters are burning night after night all across Germany. And the hot spots for far-right violence are spread in all directions.”

Weird Science

August 28, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Heconomy, Helplessness, Hideology, Higher Education, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings, Hypochondria, Hysteria Tags: EU, Free Trade, Genetic Literacy, German, Germans, Germany, GMO Food, Science, TTIP Leave a comment

More German environmental backwardness in action. Or would it be better to call it genetic illiteracy?

So much for Europe’s efforts to put the junk science surrounding genetically modified (GMO) food to rest. Berlin this week signaled it will prohibit cultivation of GMO crops in Germany, even if the crops have been approved by EU scientific bodies and despite an attempt by Brussels to legalize them.

Sure enough, neither environmentalists nor German politicians have come up with a justification for Berlin’s looming ban other than, well, because. Supporters cheer the move as an expression of “food democracy” in a country where opposition to GMOs is widespread and the government faced intense pressure to ban them…

Back in reality, EU scientific and food-safety authorities have repeatedly cleared various GMO crops for human and animal consumption. The process often takes months to complete, and in 95% of cases EU regulators ask producers for more evidence before greenlighting GMOs, so it’s hardly a rubber stamp.

How Do You Want Your ID?

August 18, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Helplessness, Hi-tech, Hideology, Home Cooking, Humor, Hypochondria, Hysteria Tags: German, Germans, Germany, IDs, NSA, Paranoia, Privacy, Surveillance 1 Comment

Rare to non-existent, many Germans will tell you. They place them in microwaves here to destroy the RFID chips inside, you see.

Or boil them – if they’re paranoid about microwave ovens, too.

Otherwise most of these folks appear to be able to live normal, somewhat productive lives.

When it comes to privacy, Germans can’t take a joke. After it was revealed that the U.S. National Security Agency had intercepted calls in Germany, sales of old-school typewriters were reported to have skyrocketed, as some Germans assumed that sending letters might make communications surveillance harder for U.S. officials.

It’s not only American surveillance that Germans are concerned about, however. On Tuesday, a 29-year old man was arrested at Frankfurt Airport after authorities noticed that he had microwaved his German identification card, reported German news agency dpa.

German Sommerloch Update: Office Chairs Incorrectly Adjusted For Many Employees

August 17, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Health, Helplessness, Higher Education, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hypochondria Tags: Employment, Ergonomics, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Hypochondria, Language, Satire, Sommerloch, Work 1 Comment

Especially for the ones still on their Sommerloch summer vacations, I bet.

Sitting for long periods strains the spine. Many desk workers therefore complain about backache. Correctly adjusting the office chair can prevent these complaints, however.

„In vielen Betrieben gibt es gute Stühle, aber die Beschäftigten haben sich damit noch nie befasst.“

Germans Discover “Text Neck”

July 1, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Helplessness, Home Cooking, Humor, Hypochondria, Hysteria Tags: Disease Mongering, German, Germans, Germany, Handynacken, Health, Text Neck 2 Comments

Only they call it “Handynacken,” which sounds a whole lot worse because, well, it is. Just look at those lightning bolt thingies flashing around down there, for instance.

So now everybody has it, of course. And this has nothing at all to do with hypochondria or disease mongering or anything like that, folks. Nope, this is serious business so I looked it up at a place called “The Text Neck Institute.” Handynacken is an “overuse syndrome involving the head, neck and shoulders, usually resulting from excessive strain on the spine from looking in a forward and downward position at any hand held mobile device, i.e., mobile phone, video game unit, computer, mp3 player, e-reader. This can cause headaches, neck pain, shoulder and arm pain, breathing compromise, and much more.”

OMG we’re all gonna die. Do they still make dumb phones anywhere out there?

Tägliche Nutzung von mehr als vier Stunden ist mittlerweile keine Seltenheit mehr.

Know Your Friends

June 10, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Helplessness, Hideology, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings, Hypochondria, Hypocrisy Tags: Bundeswehr, Crimea, German, Germans, Germany, Military, NATO, Polls, Russia, Studies, Ukraine 2 Comments

You know, like you know your enemies? But with friends like this…

According to a Pew Research Center study, only 38 percent of Germans would want to help a NATO country if it were to be attacked by Russia. Far more than half of those asked would be against it. So much for NATO’s Article 5.

Das ist im Vergleich mit anderen Nato-Ländern die größte Ablehnung militärischer Hilfe nach Artikel 5 des Nato-Vertrags, der im Angriffsfall die gemeinsame Verteidigung vorsieht. In Italien (51 Prozent), Frankreich (53) und Spanien (47) sind die Werte der Umfrage zufolge etwas niedriger, während in Polen und Großbritannien fast die Hälfte der Befragten für eine militärische Unterstützung wäre.

This Is Like Work Or Something

June 8, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Heconomy, Helplessness, Hideology, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hypochondria, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Clowns, Demonstration, Demonstrators, Elmau, G7, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Protest, Protestors, Satire Leave a comment

Exhausted from all of the political activism activity anti-G7 political activists have been expected to do already, bone-weary protestors are now leaving the G7 conference in droves before someone asks them to get even more politically active than they already have been.

“Like, I had to sit-in for over two full hours yesterday and hold up this stupid sign the whole time, too,” said one disillusioned demonstrator, his red cardboard nose still being sweat upon profusely. “OK, sure, after having slept-in twelve hours after that party the night before first, but still. If I had known this was going to be work I would never have left Berlin to come down here in the first place. These are like Manchester capitalist sweatshop demonstrating conditions! I’m outta here.”

“You know, all of this, it’s exhausting.”

Observing Hermann

“Was interessiert mich mein Geschwätz von gestern?”

Category Archives: Hypochondria