I’m The Stress

Researchers at the Max Planck Institute for Cognitive and Brain Sciences in Leipzig have just found out that stress is not only stressful, it is even contagious.

Stress

But it doesn’t stop there, folks. It is so contagious that you can even get it just by watching German TV.

And this is supposed to be news? I’ve known about this for years. The German TV part, I mean.

“I am gross and perverted. I’m obsessed and deranged. I have existed for years, but very little has changed. I’m the tool of the government and industry too, for I am destined to rule and regulate you. I may be vile and pernicious, but you can’t look away. I make you think I’m delicious, with the stuff that I say. I’m the best you can get. Have you guessed me yet? I’m the stress oozing out from your TV set.”

Wer den Fernseher einschaltet, um abzuschalten, sollte das mit Bedacht tun.

Stop Hurting Russia’s Feelings Already

Who would have expected that? The German Left Party itself (they used to be called the PDS or Partei der Stasi) has expressed grave concern over the EU’s aggressive stance toward the Soviet Union, I mean Vlad Putin’s democratic Russia.

Wagenknecht

Rosa Luxemburg, I mean Sahra Wagenknecht herself has sharply critisized European crisis management with regard to the Ukraine conflict, saying it consisted of “vile Russia bashing right out of the Cold War” and that the West is pursuing a vicious anti-Russian policy of exclusion and unniceness and rottenness and that everybody, those damned faschist Ukrainians included, should finally just leave our commrades, I mean Russian partners alone already.

May Day, May Day… Earth to Wagenknecht. Earth to Wagenknecht. Can you read me?

Das ist übles Russland-Bashing aus Kalter-Krieg-Zeiten.

Eat More Rich People!

Germans should be ashamed of themselves. Again, I mean. The amount of personal wealth just keeps on rising here – another 79 billion this past quarter – and has reached yet another historic level. The Germans, it seems, have never been richer. And this, as we all know, is a bad thing.

Rich

Haven’t you people ever heard of Umverteilung (redistribution) over here? What do you need all that damned money for? It’s not like it’s yours or anything. Well it is but it isn’t, if you know what I’m sayin’. And who says it doesn’t stink? It stinks that you still have it. What you folks need is leadership like we have now been graced with in New York City itself. You’ve already got all the tax loopholes you’ll be needing so roll up your sleeves and let’s get this party started!

Im vierten Quartal 2013 wuchs das Vermögen der privaten Haushalte in Form von Bargeld, Wertpapieren, Bankeinlagen oder Ansprüchen gegenüber Versicherungen im Vergleich zum Vorquartal um rund 79 Milliarden Euro oder 1,6 Prozent auf den historischen Höchstwert von 5,15 Billionen Euro, teilte die Deutsche Bundesbank mit.

Google Street View Time Travel To Offer Germans Blurred Out Views Of The Past

Google Maps Street View has released a revolutionary new “time travel” feature that will allow, among other things, German users the novel opportunity to “go back in time” and see how the blurred out images of their homes in the past compare to the blurred out images of their homes in the present.

Blur

Google spokesmen regret that time travel to blurred out images of homes in the future is not yet available but will certainly be introduced as soon as googly possible.

Aus Datenschutzgründen ist die neue Funktion in Deutschland nicht abrufbar.

Eco-Farmer Finds Magic Way To Increase Number Of Eco-Chickens

And he’s not telling anybody, either.

Chicken

Everybody is an eco-activist in Germany, as you well know. The Organic Bourgeois have been calling the shots here for quite some time now.

So you can imagine the organic bourgeois brouhaha today now that it’s come out how that über-eco organic food chain Neuland has been receiving 130,000 organic chicken pieces annually from an eco-farmer who only had enough eco-chickens to deliver 80,000. Talk about turning water into wine. Or maybe he just sliced them up really well?

2013 lieferte der niedersächsische Betrieb schon 130.000 Hühner an Neuland-Geschäfte. Den Vereinsstatuten zufolge hätte er aber höchstens 16.000 Tiere auf seinem Hof halten dürfen. Bei jährlich rund fünf Schlachtdurchgängen wären das rund 80.000 Hühner.

Bring This Guy To Germany, Please

German Aufregung (fuss and commotion) is a funny thing.

Edward Snowden

On the one hand, the Germans feel that it is absolutely, unquestionably and positively of the very utmost importance that their Volksheld Edward Snowden be brought to Germany right here this minute so he can testify against that despicable Empire of Evil itself, the NSA (stands for Narks, Spys and Agent provocateurs, I think).

On the other hand, well, if Mr. Snowden were in fact to come to Germany, the Germans, unfortunately being Germans, being the reliable, law-abiding and legalistic Germans they are, would have no other recourse but to extradite their folk hero to US-Amerika to face the criminal charges that are currently waiting for him there.

This is a dilemma. Or maybe a predicament. Perhaps even a quandary. At any rate, it really is a funny thing, like I said. You see it just doesn’t cost you anything to make a big loud fuss and commotion about something when you know right from the start you won’t ever “have to deliver” on anything concerning it.

“Wenn Snowden nach Deutschland käme, müsste die Bundesregierung meines Erachtens einem rechtlich einwandfreien Auslieferungsersuchen der USA stattgeben.”

Rostock Universität Beats Nobel Committee To The Draw

Frantic to beat the coming Nobel Peace Prize award being planned in Oslo, the Faculty of Philosophy at the University of Rostock has boldly decided to launch a preemptive honorary doctorate award strike at that less than honorable doctor of whistleblowing himself, Edward Snowden.

Rostock

The faculty council approved the cold-blooded, unprovoked resolution with 17 of 21 votes.

The thoroughly prepared German folk hero could not be reached directly for comment but reliable sources watching his every move day and night report having overheard him already practicing his acceptance speech, saying that he is “honored by the honor, scout’s honor,” or something to that effect.

Die Fakultät und Snowden haben bislang keinen Kontakt miteinander gehabt. Es gebe aber Beziehungen zu Menschen, die mit Snowden in Verbindung stehen.

German Energy Turnaround Finally Turned Around For Good?

As in your classic “tango uniform” turnaround? She is way too expensive, señor.

Turnaround

The German Energiewende (energy transition) – once an international model – threatens to disintegrate…

The Handelsblatt Research Institute monitored 24 industrialised and newly industrialising countries over a span of 5 years, looking at 51 different indicators. In the end, the researchers condensed the data into two overall rankings: mapping the status quo, and tracing the trend of the past 5 years.

Good news first: Germany’s current ranking is a respectable 8. Only smaller states with “good topographies” had better results, explained Rürup during the presentation of the study. Sweden holds first place, followed by Norway, Austria, Switzerland and Denmark. But even France – due to its high share of nuclear power – and Spain outranked Germany.

But for Germany, the results of the second category are even worse. Here, in the “dynamic ranking”, which reflects the developing trend during the examination period, Germany came in last place.

The reason for this, according to the study, are rising CO2 emissions and high per capita energy consumption. Energy prices have also risen significantly in recent years; nowhere, do households spend more on their energy bills than in Germany.

Nach der Bund-Länder-Einigung auf die Ausgestaltung der Energiewende droht Gabriel neues Ungemach. Grund sind die hohen Kosten für das Projekt.

PS: If only they could learn how to harness the power of Berlin’s rising ground water.

Thank Goodness Email Made In Germany Is Safe

Safe from those awful NSA criminals over there in US-Amerika, I mean. Remember the recent “Boom Triggered By NSA: German Email Services Report Surge in Demand” hype?

Theft

Well now it turns out that evil data criminals have somehow managed to steal some 18 million email accounts, with passwords, across the board, from all the major German Internet providers. And these guys weren’t even working for the NSA, people!

You just can’t trust any kind of Internet criminal these days, I guess.

Die Staatsanwaltschaft Verden ist auf einen Datensatz von 18 Millionen E-Mail-Adressen samt Passwörtern gestoßen. Betroffen sind alle großen deutschen Provider.

Even The Germans Are Figuring Out That ADHD Is A Hoax

The use of Ritalin for ADHD (ADHS in German) in Germany is now sinking for the first time in 20 years. And this despite the fact that more and more adults are now using it.

ADHS

German families and even German doctors themselves are now coming to the shocking conclusion that not every German child with the fictitious disease needs to be prescribed a real medicine for it. So like, what do they do now? And how are they going to break it to the kids?

Some sociologists consider ADHD to be an example of the medicalization of deviant behavior, or in other words, the turning of the previously non medical issue of school performance into a medical one.

“ADHD is a prime example of a fictitious disease.”