We Looted The Loot First

The grand opening of a joint German-Russian art exhibition in St Petersburg was spoiled on Friday when Moscow objected to Angela Merkel’s plan to use her speech to refer to hundreds of looted German works of art looted by Red Army soldiers after the war.

Art

The Germans claim that some 1 million looted objects are still missing, including the Treasure of Priamos, objects looted by the Germans in Troy under the direction of Heinrich Schliemann way back in 1873.

Moscow appears to be open to compromise, but only when the Russian artworks destroyed by German troops during World War II – estimated to be more than 110m books and publications following the plundering of 427 Soviet museums and 4,000 libraries – be returned, as well.

“This is a very touchy question for the societies of both countries. We need to look for solutions, rather than inflating the problem.”

Obama’s Popularity Rating Plummets To 82 Percent In Germany

Prism

Germans are still enamored of Obama: a poll last week showed 82 percent view him favorably.

It used to be 92 percent so this must have something to do with the time he recently spent in Prism.

Just kidding. The real reason is because there are “gute Amis, böse Amis” (good Yankees and bad Yankees) and the Pres clearly belongs to the good ones, NO MATTER WHAT. I mean, this guy could rape a turtle live on “Wetten, dass..?” and nobody would find anything wrong with it (except the turtle). He’ll be back up to 92 percent here again in no time, in other words.

The bad Yankees are the awful scumbag Republican NSA types who actually did the snooping, by the way.

Damn. Speaking of snooping… He and his crew sure are cool, you’ve got to hand it to them. Even when he’s having them monitor you for your own good (and that whether you’re a tea partier or not). I think I’m going to call them the Cyber Snoop Dogg Pack from here on out. Rat Pack had already been taken.

Germans accuse U.S. of Stasi tactics before Obama visit

Ray Must Pay

Welfare fraud? In Germany? No way.

Ray

Way, Ray. Not even forest boys get a free lunch around here in poor but sexy but poor Berlin these days.

The city is sticking Ray with a 30,000 euro bill for all they did for him while he was doing all he could to them for about nine months back in 2011/2012. And they won’t remove that blindfold thingy there until he pays, either.

“Wir haben ihm Essen, Trinken und Kleidung gegeben und sogar einen Sprachkurs finanziert.”

Where Have All The Germans Gone?

Germans everywhere were stunned this morning to discover that some 1.5 million of their countrymen had inexplicably disappeared the night before.

Population

“This is just plain eerie,” one woman said. “I didn’t know any of them personally or anything of course, but just the thought that you could vanish like that from one day to the next is enough to make a body want to run away and hide first.”

The big shock came right after breakfast when those remaining of the German population were informed by the Federal Statistical Office that Germany now has a population of 80.2 million people rather than the 81.7 million who had been there just a few hours earlier.

Needless to say, the Federal Police and Bundesnachrichtendienst (Federal Intelligence Service) are working feverously to locate the missing 1.5 million Germans as soon as possible but have not been able to find any hot leads as of yet. They ask that if anyone left in the country should happen to locate this group of missing citizens to please tell them to remain where they are and call the authorities immediately.

Berlin trifft es besonders heftig. Am Freitagmorgen hat die Stadt auf einen Schlag 180.000 Einwohner verloren.

German Women Regularly Beat The Scheiße Out Of German Men

As if the shocking sexual coercion German women force their male sex slaves to endure again and again and again wasn’t bad enough already (and it certainly must be), an even more shocking new study has revealed what many of us have suspected all along: German women also regularly subject their German men to vicious physical abuse of the most cruel and unusual kind.

Gewalt

One Betroffene (person concerned) reports: Hamburg. At first he thought that he would be able to overcome the problems with his girlfriend. This is what Jochen K. (the initial has been changed to protect the innocent) wrote in his diary after she hit him the first time in the face with her fist. He held her back and tried to calm her down. But the attack in the hallway was not to be the last one. His girlfriend turned violent again and again in the following years. She couldn’t come to grips with her problem. Today Jochen K. admits that he must have been crazy to think that he could have overcome this problem alone.

But just what is it that makes these crazy German bitches so violent? Many psychologists and law enforcement experts believe that these men-beating monsters are simply products of their environment and actually victims themselves, having been socialized in a system of matriarchy in which beatings of this nature are simply not taken seriously. These women beat their men because they can, in other words.

So what can YOU do about it, German men? Break the silence. That’s the first step. And then go out and seek help immediately. Preferably in a city far, far away where nobody could possibly know you. And please, whatever you do, never ever use your real name while getting help, not unless you absolutely positively have to. No, I take that back. Don’t even use it then.

“Wenn Männer sich als Opfer an die Polizei wenden, werden oftmals keine Verfahren eröffnet”, sagt K. “Ihnen wird nicht geglaubt.”

Literally Hundreds Celebrate Bayern München’s Champions League Victory At The Brandenburg Gate Public Viewing Party Thingy Last Night

It was raining like Katzen and Hunde, after all. So what do you expect?

Public Viewing

And, oh yeah. Bayern München won.

Bayern Munich are the club Germans love to hate: There may be some unresolved psychological issues too. The first football chant every German child learns is the Freudian “Zieht den Bayern die Lederhosen aus”: “Pull down the Bavarians’ lederhosen”.

PS: “Hating the New York Yankees is as American as apple pie.”

150 Years Old And They Still Haven’t Figured It Out

Socialism, of course, has never worked. Not once. Not in any form.

SPD

And German social democracy (like social democracy and their even cheaper imitations everywhere else around the world), although doing its best not to ever actually use the word socialism itself, is of course nothing other than the democratic attempt to reach that very goal. Which has never worked (once “reached”), like I said. But still.

So today the German SPD gets to celebrate its bittersweet 150th birthday — trailing badly in polls ahead of September elections and hearing praise for its efforts to reform Europe’s biggest economy from French President Francois Hollande, a recent left-wing winner who has also lost his luster.

Hey, whatever. More power to them and Happy Birthday and all that because, well, I kind of admire them in a way. But only kind of. They’re like a bunch of nutty professors who simply refuse to believe that their never-ending pursuit of the perpetual motion machine is maybe sort of not such a great idea – and a big waste of time after all. You know, searching for a machine that produces “motion that continues indefinitely without any external source of energy; impossible in practice because of friction?”

There’s always friction out there, you see. It’s called reality. Or self-interest, if you prefer. Or the desire of individuals to live their lives without interference from others who aren’t interested or able to live their own?

Or maybe just money, in the end. Like Margaret Thatcher once said: “The problem with socialism is that you eventually run out of other people’s money.” Strange, isn’t it? But that’s the SPD’s problem, too. Happy Birthday anyway! Now just shut up and cut the cake already.

“No other party has been able to last so long, because its core demands have constantly remained relevant in new ways: freedom, social justice and political participation.”

German Police And Practically Everybody Else Brutalizing Justin Biebers Ex-Monkey

Well I hope you’re satisfied now, Mr. Justin Bieber. Less than 48 hours after being granted German citizenship, Mally the Monkey is now being systematically abused by any German who can get his or her hands or ape hook thingy on him. They feel there are enough Affen (apes or ape-like people) in the country already, you see.

Monkey

Actually, Germans have a thing with/for Affen. Berlin is full of them, for instance (Peter Fox – Schwarz zu Blau).

The 19-year-old singer has had a string of curious incidents this year: he fainted backstage at a London show, threatened a photographer, and wrote in the Anne Frank House museum’s guestbook that he hoped the teen Holocaust victim “would have been a belieber.” Drugs and a stun gun were also found on a tour bus he had used in Sweden. Earlier this month, Bieber was grabbed by a fan onstage during a concert in Dubai, and thieves in South Africa swiped $330,000 from a safe room in the Johannesburg stadium where he was performing.

Global Warming Five-Year Plan To Be Revised

A pesky and persistent slowdown in global warming over the past several years is now prompting global warming watchdog officials to lower their next five-year temperature forecast plan of doom and distress and nobody out there likes it one damned bit.

Sun

Greenhouse gas emissions have continued to rise, these same scientists say, and this makes them wonder why Earth is not getting warmer as this was bekanntlich (as you know) not vorgesehen (envisioned) in the last five-year plan.

Don’t get them wrong, however. Rest assured that the longer-term warning, I mean warming trend will remain one of cataclysmic environmental destruction and human annihilation and no five-year plan will ever change that because  it can’t. That option is not an option. It if were an option then the whole Aufregung (commotion) we’ve been going through all these years would have been nothing more than a ridiculous bout of collective hysteria.

“It certainly is no reason to relax.”

Es handelt sich um einen in der deutschen Nachkriegsgeschichte einzigartigen Fall von obrigkeitsstaatlicher Intervention in eine öffentlich geführte Diskussion.

Germany’s Crappy Eurovision Song Not Given The Votes It Deserved

Denmark’s Loreen and 19 others sang crappy songs that took in way more votes.

Eurovision

Böse Zungen (malicious tongues) have even suggested that Germany’s crappy Eurovision showing last night might not be entirely the fault of its crappy Cascada entry.

“We are in a difficult situation,” Thomas Schreiber from the ARD TV über-network said. “This is clearly a political situation.”

It wasn’t like Angela Merkel was singing (she might have actually won), but “you also have to see that it wasn’t just Cascada up there, Germany was on stage, too.”

Der ARD-Unterhaltungschef deutet ein Imageproblem in Europa an: “Da stand auch Deutschland auf der Bühne.”

PS: It wasn’t all bad news for Germany this weekend, however. Justin Bieber’s monkey will now become a German citizen.