Germans Now Not Sure If Whistleblowing Is A Scientific Achievement After All

May 22, 2014 By Hermann Observer in Habeas Corpus, Hard Facts, Helplessness, Hideology, Higher Education, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Academics, Edward Snowden, German, Germans, Germany, Honorary Doctorates, Humor, NSA, Rostock University, Satire Leave a comment

Germans are very precise and proper and legalistic when it comes to, well, when it comes to just about anything you can possibly imagine so it shouldn’t surprise any of us out here all that much that the rector of the German university in Rostock, where academics have voted to award NSA leakmeister Edward Snowden himself an honorary doctorate, is now trying to have the decision reversed, his argument being that Snowden’s actions did not fulfill the the university’s required criteria. Dude, like what a party pooper.

It appears that there is some sticky little detail somewhere in their regulations about honorary doctorates only being allowed for “special academic achievement” and the rector, nitpicky like German rectors are, has now pointed out to everyone that Snowden’s leaking to the media of NSA documents doesn’t wirklich (really) constitute that.

This won’t be the last word on this, of course. But still. And there’s still the Nobel Peace Prize on its way, too. So take a chill pill, people. Your hero will get his honors yet.

Datenübergabe keine wissenschaftliche Leistung

Pissed Off German Accidentally Says Something Meaningful

May 21, 2014 By Hermann Observer in Hate, Hideology, High Art, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Anger, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Politicians, Putin, Satire, Speeches, Steinmeier, Ukraine, Videos Leave a comment

Putin-Understanders: “Warmonger! Warmonger! Stop the Nazis in Ukraine!”

German Foreign Minister Frank-Walter Steinmeier: “The world does not consist of peace angels on one side and villains on the other. The world is unfortunately more complicated than that. And thank God there are still a few people out there who address this complexity and look for ways out of the crisis in Ukraine.”

“Dieses Maß an Hass und Dummheit, das mir auf dieser Veranstaltung entgegenschallte, hat mich in einem so hohen Maße empört, dass diese Rede so zustande kam, wie sie zustande kam.”

German Word Of The Day: Bluff

May 15, 2014 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Helplessness, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings, Hustle (Hoax), Hypochondria, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Crimea, EU, German, Germans, Germany, Godzilla, Humor, Leadership, Putin, Russia, Sanctions, Satire, Ukraine Leave a comment

In German, “Bluff” means to mislead by a display of strength or self-confidence when in fact their is no strength or self-confidence there. To display, I mean.

But there’s one problem with this weapon (real sanctions): It can only be used if all EU members agree. In the EU, sanctions need to be decided unanimously. This worked for levels one and two, because they were primarily symbolic acts that affected people close to Putin and imposed no real burden on the EU. But level three would be different, making it unlikely that the EU would agree on sanctions that would have a strong effect on Russia. Europe’s strongest weapon is actually a bluff.

“Clearly there will be economic sanctions if Putin sabotages the vote, but it’s unclear what would constitute sabotage.”

PS: Personally, I think there is only one person on Earth who could possibly stand up to this Putin person. And he’s not even a person himself

Germans Already Lining Up To Be Forgotten By Google

May 13, 2014 By Hermann Observer in Habeas Corpus, Helplessness, Hi-tech, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hypochondria, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Court Rulings, Europe, German, Germans, Germany, Google, Humor, Law, Paranoia, Privacy, Satire, Search Engines Leave a comment

Europe’s top court ruling that Google and other Internet companies can now be made to remove “irrelevant or excessive personal information” from search engine results has triggered a virtual stampede of excited Germans demanding that their irrelevant and excessive personal information be removed from the Internet immediately.

“Irrelevant and excessive personal information is the only kind of information I produce,” said one soon-to-be-forgotten Google skeptic. “Or consist of, if you will. So you can bet that I just can’t wait to be wiped out of virtual existence for good!”

“The ruling will help certain people hide their past, making it difficult to access certain information, but not when it concerns public figures, or people in whom there is a genuine public interest. This will result in added costs for Internet search providers who will have to add to their take-down policies the means for removing links to an individual’s data, and develop criteria for distinguishing public figures from private individuals.”

Eurovision?

May 11, 2014 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Helections, Helplessness, High Art, Humor, Hysteria Tags: Beards, Conchita Wurst, Contests, Drag Queens, ESC, European Song Contest 2014, Humor, Music, Peace and Freedom, Satire 4 Comments

I think it’s time they changed the name of this thing to the Eurohallucination Song Contest.

The Eurovision Song Contest, which played to a TV audience of more than 120 million Saturday, was won by bearded Austrian drag queen Conchita Wurst.

Wurst said: “This night is dedicated to everyone who believes in a future of peace and freedom. You know who you are — we are unity and we are unstoppable.”

“Diese Nacht widme ich allen, die an Frieden und Freiheit glauben. Wir sind eine Einheit”, schluchzte Wurst.

This Detergent Will Get Your Clothes Whiter Than White

May 9, 2014 By Hermann Observer in Hate, Heconomy, Helplessness, Higher Education, Hurt Feelings, Hysteria Tags: Advertising, Ariel, Detergent, German, Germans, Germany, Hitler, Humor, Nazis, Neo-Nazis, Satire Leave a comment

A detergent just got pulled in Germany over a neo-Nazi code? Uh, OK.

The use of Nazi slogans in public is banned in Germany, which neo-Nazis often try to circumvent by using codes. They use “88” to represent the phrase “Heil Hitler,” because “H” is the eighth letter of the alphabet. Similarly, “18” is used to stand for “A.H.” or Adolf Hitler.

Wow or something. I’ll wait until they come out with a product labeled “23-7-1-19” before I start getting all excited. That’s code for “W.G.A.S” or “Who gives a shit?”

“Für ein reines Deutschland.”

American Internet Security Expert David Hasselhoff Speaks at Berlin’s re:publica

May 6, 2014 By Hermann Observer in Hi-tech, High Art, Humor, Hypochondria Tags: Berlin, David Hasselhoff, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Internet Security, re:publica, Satire Leave a comment

And honestly, folks. What would a digital natives summit to tackle surveillance be without him?

He’s been looking for digital freedom or something. And damned if he didn’t find it. Here of all places. Hey, just because you can’t read or carry a note doesn’t mean you can’t keynote.

Der Saal ist gut gefüllt, voll ist er nicht.

That Guy Down There Works For The Telekom

May 5, 2014 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Helplessness, Hi-tech, High Art, Higher Education, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hypochondria, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Big Brother, Eavesdropping, Espionage, German, Germans, Germany, Government, Humor, NSA, Satire, Spying, Telekom, Wiretapping Leave a comment

And it looks to me like they’re trying to save on energy these days or something.

Hey, who needs the NSA when you’ve got the Telekom right here at home in your own backyard in Germany? Doing the wiretapping, I mean.

Hello? Hello out there! Where’s all the excitement about this? The Telekom just got a little more transparent and admitted that it taps 50,000 phone connections a year. It hands out information on a million IP addresses annually, too. No, not to the NSA. To certain German “state agencies” that wish to remain unnamed.

Well there is a big difference here, you know. The difference being, of course, that the Telekom “sticks to the rules” and no one here has any reason to doubt them because the Telekom would not lie to us, I mean you, and besides, Germans snooping on Germans in a country like Germany when not following the rules precisely and to the letter is absolutely unimaginable and thoroughly ausgeschlossen (impossible). Here, I mean.

Die Telekom ist verpflichtet, in bestimmten Fällen mit Behörden zusammenzuarbeiten. Wie viele Anfragen es jährlich gibt, erstaunt dann doch. Neben tausenden überwachten Telefonanschlüssen gibt die Telekom Daten zu fast einer Million IP-Adressen preis.

I’m The Stress

May 2, 2014 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Helplessness, High Art, Higher Education, Home Cooking, Hustle (Hoax), Hypochondria, Hysteria Tags: Disease Mongering, Fake Illnesses, Frank Zappa, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, I'm The Slime, Satire, Science, Stress Leave a comment

Researchers at the Max Planck Institute for Cognitive and Brain Sciences in Leipzig have just found out that stress is not only stressful, it is even contagious.

But it doesn’t stop there, folks. It is so contagious that you can even get it just by watching German TV.

And this is supposed to be news? I’ve known about this for years. The German TV part, I mean.

“I am gross and perverted. I’m obsessed and deranged. I have existed for years, but very little has changed. I’m the tool of the government and industry too, for I am destined to rule and regulate you. I may be vile and pernicious, but you can’t look away. I make you think I’m delicious, with the stuff that I say. I’m the best you can get. Have you guessed me yet? I’m the stress oozing out from your TV set.”

Wer den Fernseher einschaltet, um abzuschalten, sollte das mit Bedacht tun.

Stop Hurting Russia’s Feelings Already

May 1, 2014 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Helections, Hideology, High Art, History, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Cold War, Communism, Crimea, Elections, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, May Day, Political Parties, Putin, Rosa Luxemburg, Russia, Sahra Wagenknecht, Satire, Ukraine Leave a comment

Who would have expected that? The German Left Party itself (they used to be called the PDS or Partei der Stasi) has expressed grave concern over the EU’s aggressive stance toward the Soviet Union, I mean Vlad Putin’s democratic Russia.

Rosa Luxemburg, I mean Sahra Wagenknecht herself has sharply critisized European crisis management with regard to the Ukraine conflict, saying it consisted of “vile Russia bashing right out of the Cold War” and that the West is pursuing a vicious anti-Russian policy of exclusion and unniceness and rottenness and that everybody, those damned faschist Ukrainians included, should finally just leave our commrades, I mean Russian partners alone already.

May Day, May Day… Earth to Wagenknecht. Earth to Wagenknecht. Can you read me?

Das ist übles Russland-Bashing aus Kalter-Krieg-Zeiten.

Observing Hermann

“Was interessiert mich mein Geschwätz von gestern?”

Tag Archives: Satire