Category Archives: Hustle (Hoax)

Hitler Diaries’ Reporter Wants Real Fakes Back Not Fake Fake Ones

April 10, 2013 By in Helplessness, High Art, History, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hustle (Hoax) Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

They may be a crude forgery, Gerd Heidemann seems to be saying, but they’re my crude forgery (although the actual shabby work was done be a certain Konrad Kujau).

Schtonk!

It’s been ten years now and apparently they’re his property again, or so his interpretation of the original contract, and if he could get them back from the Stern’s publisher, Gruner & Jahr, Heidemann would “make them available to Germany’s national archive,” thus, well, gee, I dunno what the hell for, either.

“I’ve really got to have a serious talk with Eva. She thinks that a man who leads Germany can take as much time as he wants for private matters.”

Rookie Dictator Just Can’t Get Anybody To Take Him Seriously

April 5, 2013 By in Health, Helplessness, Hideology, High Art, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hustle (Hoax), Hypochondria, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , , , , 2 Comments

In the latest feeble attempt to get the entire world to cower in fear before him, AZUBI (apprentice) communist dictator Kim Jong Un has now warned the German embassy in Pyongyang (and other foreign embassies as well) to consider evacuating their employees ASAP.

Rookie

North Korea will not be able to guarantee their safety in the event of the imminent conflict and subsequent Weltuntergang (Armageddon) which is about to take place honest I swear it is, he said.

And if these employees of yours are not evacuated real soon like, Kim Jong Un then went on to say, he may then have to seriously consider airing a live worldwide television broadcast (OK, YouTube) in which he will hold his breath until his face turns blue. No, he means red.

Nordkorea, das wegen seines Atomwaffenprogramms international isoliert ist, reiht seit Wochen militärische Drohungen insbesondere gegen die USA und Südkorea aneinander. Am Donnerstag hatte der Generalstab der nordkoreanischen Volksarmee mitgeteilt, ein Atomangriff auf die USA sei nun “offiziell genehmigt.”

Empörungsprofis

March 5, 2013 By in Habeas Corpus, Habitudes, Heconomy, Helplessness, Home Cooking, Humor, Hustle (Hoax), Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , , 1 Comment

Outrage professionals.

Farce

A farce, this “protest movement” at the East Side Gallery. And a well-written article, this is. But sorry, I don’t have the time or the energy to translate it today.

Wo war eigentlich Claudia Roth?

Germans Go Hoarse Yelling “Horse!” Now That Horse Is Main Course

February 19, 2013 By in Health, Helplessness, High Art, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hustle (Hoax), Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , 6 Comments

German officials sure know how to stirrup the emotions these days.

Horse

Whinny they gonna finally leave us alone?

They mustang out with the wrong people or something. They sure do have a lot of gaul. I think it would behoove them to try standing in good stead for once and keep calm because the mane thing is that we all still have enough meat to eat, regardless of the horse, I mean source, of course.

After all, horse meat is a stable diet you know.

And just for the record: Any pal of theirs is a palomino.

This gives Pferdiggerichte a whole new meaning.

Lots Of Serious Crappy Films To Premiere At This Year’s Berlin Film Festival Starting Tomorrow

February 6, 2013 By in Habitudes, Helplessness, High Art, Higher Education, Home Cooking, Hustle (Hoax), Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , 2 Comments

Or seriously crappy films, if you prefer.

Film snobs

The subjects will range from serious themes like obesity to the lack of health insurance, with a few gay priests and a little nuclear contamination thrown in here and there just to spice things down.

And in case you didn’t know, the Berlinale is known to be the most political (and therefore the most serious) of the three biggest European film festivals (Cannes, Venice and Berlin) and is also famous for including the sort of movies that aren’t necessarily considered, well, mainstream or easy to market.

You know, self-indulgent and arrogant cinematic art snob crap and art for art’s sake rubbish like that. So there we have it. Lights, camera… What’s the opposite of action again?

Wie schwer ist ein Goldener Bär? Wer ist der wahre Held der Berlinale? Wo steigt die beste Party? Alles, was Besucher des Filmfestivals wissen müssen – von A wie Ankunft bis Z wie Zoo-Palast.

German Military To Acquire Armed Drones They Will Never Use

February 1, 2013 By in Helections, Helplessness, Hi-tech, High Art, History, Humor, Hustle (Hoax), Hypocrisy Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment

Germany’s military is planning to acquire armed drones which they will never use in a zillion years its Defense Minister said on Friday, reigniting a heated debate in Germany over the ethics of not using such aircraft.

Drones

The drones would protect German soldiers in dangerous situations, if we would ever use them that is, which of course we wouldn’t, as German soldiers are never put in dangerous situations in the first place, Thomas de Maiziere told the German government’s YouTube channel in an interview.

Critics of such German drone non-strikes argue that they would end up failing to kill high numbers of innocent civilians and that they would frequently not be launched across sovereign states’ borders – far more frequently than conventional attacks by piloted German aircraft that are never ever launched from anywhere to anyplace, either.

Prior to the official announcement, German opposition lawmakers had already condemned the pointless purchase of the useless, lame-ass, purposeless armed drones, with the head of the Greens parliamentary group Juergen Trittin saying that they could lower the threshold for German military non-engagement even lower than it already is.

“We have a gap in our capabilities which we want to close.”

Don’t Hold Your Breath, Tokyo

January 27, 2013 By in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Health, Helplessness, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hustle (Hoax), Hypochondria, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment

Two years after the Fukushima nuclear disaster, Japan is making a big push to win back German tourists, who are still avoiding the country because of concerns over radiation.  Visitor numbers from Germany, the world’s biggest spenders on foreign holidays in 2011, fell 35 percent between 2010 and 2011, and in 2012 did not recover as much as other markets, officials said in Frankfurt on Thursday.

Tokyo

It’s like this, folks: The level of radiation occurring naturally in Japan is much lower than that of Germany. The levels of naturally occurring radiation PLUS the radiation resulting from the accident at Fukushima are still within the range considered average for Germany.

None of this matters, of course. Hysteria bleibt (stays) hysteria.

Even at the dentist, Germans are often skeptical about the effects of x-rays and require reassurance over radiation levels.

PS: Speaking of hypochondria (sort of), Berliner Beamte (civil servants with disgustingly cushy benefits), police mostly, are off sick two months a year – on average.

We Don’t Do Dirty Work

January 22, 2013 By in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Helplessness, Hurt Feelings, Hustle (Hoax), Hypochondria, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Yet again (this time not in Mali).

Mali

German Foreign Minister Guido Westerwelle: “The deployment of German combat troops is not an option. And I have to mention just one more point. We Germans are highly involved in Afghanistan, where the French are hardly involved at all.”

The French are not alone in their criticism of Berlin. Political leaders in the US and Britain also find it aggravating that Germany presents itself as a peace-loving power and leaves all the dirty work to the others. Mistrust of Berlin has been especially strong since the German government abstained in the United Nations vote over the Libya intervention two years ago — the only Western country on the Security Council not to support the measure — and refused to provide its NATO allies with military aid. “As is usually the case these days, Germany … is keeping its head down,” wrote the British daily Guardian last week. Westerwelle’s “mealy-mouthed statements leave a bad taste,” commented the newspaper.

“We never explain what we want to achieve, we always talk about how we can stay out of things.”