The Scam That Keeps On Giving

October 18, 2011 By in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Health, Heconomy, Helplessness, High Art, Hustle (Hoax), Hypochondria, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , , , , 6 Comments

Word has clearly gotten out now. What used to be a Geheimtipp (insiders’ tip) has now become a full-fledged and nationally recognized Volkssport (national sport): Early retirement due to mental illness.

Up some 6,000 from the previous year, more and more Germans (71,000) are now being “forced” to retire early each and every year because they suffer from things like anxiety disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, multiple generalized anxiety disorder, mega ultra super mulitple generalized really really bad anxiety disorder and other such imaginary diseases.

In fact, being mental is now the number one main excuse used to have to go into “involuntary retirement” in Germany, with the average age of these hapless victims being 48, by the way.

Fear industry profiteers, I mean experts, are happy to report that the increased number of diagnosed cases is due to a greater willingness of sufferers to openly admit their problems, although none of these experts are able or willing to explain where this sudden willingness comes from.

Über das Thema werde jetzt “offener geredet und deshalb diagnostizieren Ärzte jetzt eher psychische Ursachen von Leiden.”

Nice Mellons, Mom

October 17, 2011 By in Health, Higher Education Tags: , , , , , , , , , 3 Comments

Mother Knows Best (Father Knows Best got cancelled long ago)? Well it sure ain’t Leave It To Beaver we’re talking about here.

German sex experts (and there’s a whole bunch of those, let me tell you) think that parents’ porn fears are exaggerated and that online pornography is actually a wonderful and thoroughly wholesome way to change the way young people learn about sex.

Well hot diggity dog, it’s still changing mine and I’m as old as the hills.

Carl’s mother holds a PhD in cultural studies. She has done research on pornography herself and now writes erotic novels.

She explained to her son that he shouldn’t worry if his first girlfriend didn’t moan loudly during sex and that the actors in porn movies use lots of lubrication.

“My mother told me that the positions they do are all just for show.”

“I learned some things from porn,” Carl says, “like licking, for example.”

Germans Mobilizing For World Financial Revolution

October 16, 2011 By in Heconomy, Helplessness, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment

Man oh man is this country ever ripe for revolution again already.

Literally a dozen or two protesters took part in the “Occupy Frankfurt” campaign a week or two ago and some reports indicate that a few of them even stayed there to continue protesting overnight. And that was just the start of it, folks. There were surely even dozens more occupying Frankfurt during protests now being held against the ECB this weekend although I’m having trouble finding news reports covering them because most Frankfurters leave Frankfurt over the weekend, it seems, as nobody here really seems to care.

One has to stop for a minute and consider the dreadful conditions under which the German people have to live in order to really understand why “casino capitalism” opponents will soon be taking down the financial world as we know it (or at least the German one). Unemployment is drastically lower here than in the US, for instance (and the unemployment rate keeps on dropping), but still. Obama is still Mr. Clean over here and always will be (so he can’t be the ineffectual disappointment that many of his compatriots are now taking to the street about). And despite the fact that “the ECB is one of the most powerful democracy-free zones in the EU and has acted in accordance with the interests of the financial industry for years,” many a thinking German financial expert can’t understand “why the ECB, of all financial institutions, should be declared the root of all evil rather than, say, Deutsche Bank or the Frankfurt Stock Exchange.”

No matter. This revolution is another in a long line of historical necessities and it is time for all of us to prepare for the coming cataclysmic change. It will not be televised, however. The ratings are simply too low.

One other important element is lacking in Germany: disappointment over Barack Obama, the man many Americans had pinned their hopes on to improve their society.

Sauerbraten Is Hell

October 14, 2011 By in Health, Home Cooking Tags: , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment

Don’t ever eat German food in northern Afghanistan.

Some 200 NATO soldiers got food poisoning after eating in a German canteen in the ISAF regional headquarters in Mazar-i-Sharif.

But don’t worry, everbody has recovered and “overall fighting strength was not affected” (for the better? – maybe you should worry).

Too bad the kitchen has already been disinfected and everything. They could have started offering this stuff to the Taliban.

Army scientists were still hunting for the source of the infection.

Legalistic Republic Deutschland

October 13, 2011 By in Habeas Corpus, Habitudes, Helplessness, Hi-tech, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Outraged Germans everywhere are demanding to know why the German state of Bavaria is admittedly using spyware in at least five investigations (all judicially approved) to gather evidence on suspected drug dealers, dopers, Internet criminals and fencing suspects.

“This is completely unacceptable,” one enraged civil liberties activist said. “What will this lead to next? The next thing you know they’ll be using programs like these to gather evidence on suspected rapists, child molesters, murderers and terrorists.”

Bei den Verfahren in München, Landshut, Nürnberg und Augsburg ging es um Doping, Drogen, Hehlerei und eine Bande von Internet-Betrügern, die geschätzt 80.000 bis 120.000 Menschen um eine Summe von insgesamt 10 bis 30 Millionen Euro geprellt haben soll.

Arson Attacks Disrupt Berlin’s Disrupted Rail Traffic

October 12, 2011 By in Heconomy, Helplessness, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , , , , 2 Comments

Sort of. With some 2000 trains now running late in Berlin after the discovery of seven homemade explosives along the city’s railways these past three days – and none of the passangers having noticed yet because trains are always late here – the leftist peacenik terrorist group responsible for the diabolical attacks has confirmed that it would have caused “like considerable way more damage and maybe even have managed to blow something up big time if any of the freakin’ trains to be attacked would have been on time like for once already.”

But still… “This morning we slowed down the German capital and its function as a global player in the export of armaments,” said a statement from the group released Monday on a leftist website.

Wake Me When The Revolution Is over

October 11, 2011 By in Habitudes, Heconomy, Helplessness, Hi-tech Tags: , , , , , , , , 1 Comment

Der Spiegel itself is asking these days: Are we having a successful green energy plan yet?

Uh, let me think. Nope.

Why is it that whenever Germany’s Environment Minster “explains to foreign politicians that his highly industrialized country aims to decommission all of its nuclear power plants by 2022 and obtain at least 80 percent of its energy from renewable sources by 2050, he is only rarely met with utter denial — at least not among his fellow environment ministers?”

I’ll tell you why. It is either because a) they are in denial themselves or b) they are too polite to laugh in his face.

A Bad Beginning – Broken Promises – Unanswered Questions

Anti-War Bombs Real Duds

October 10, 2011 By in Hate, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

All we are saying, is give peace a chance (or we’ll burn your asses up).

German peacenik activist types protesting Germany’s so-called military engagement in Afghanistan just attempted an arson attack at the north end of one of Berlin Hauptbahnhof’s tunnels (the high-speed link to Hamburg).

Railway employees discovered the device in time and experts secured “seven bottles filled with flammable liquid bundled together and linked to a fuse.”

Peace now or we’ll kill you? How refreshing or something. There is a certain logic here somewhere, I’m sure. I just haven’t found it yet.

The “Hekla Reception Committee — Initiative for more Eruptions in Society” — in an apparent reference to Iceland’s Hekla volcano — claimed responsibility.

What’s Red And Green And All Over All Over?

October 9, 2011 By in Helections, Helplessness, Hurt Feelings, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , 3 Comments

Other than Claudia the Clown Lady down there, I mean?

I’ll tell you what’s red and green and all over all over: The Green party’s big plans for taking over the world (here in Germany) with their partners (junior partners?) over at the SPD when the next big federal elections come around. 

Ever since shooting themselves in the foot during coalition negotiations after their less than stellar performance in Berlin’s local elections the other day, it seems as if those carefully prepared Green putsch plans might end up back on the back burner again after all, at least for now. Everyone is licking her wounds and has hurt feelings or something. And is irritable. And a little bit bitchy.

Hey, Fukushima certainly brought you a long, long way, but the Japanese can only do so much. And close only counts in horseshoes and dancing.

“Jetzt in Schwarz-Grün-Fantasien zu schwelgen, wäre der falsche Weg.”