Category Archives: Higher Education

Happy Christi Himmelfahrtskommandotag!

May 17, 2012 By in Habitudes, Health, Helplessness, High Art, Higher Education, Home Cooking, Humor Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , 2 Comments

Vatertag is also Ascension here (or the other way around), and a real holiday. And a real boon to the German liquor industry, too.

And there really is some connection between the two holidays here somewhere, I think. Jesus is known to have drunk wine and wander around the countryside with his buddies, for instance. Although without the Bollerwagen (handcarts), of course. Nor did they ever drink and drive, as far as I know.

Not so here in Germany, however. Bild tells us that there will be three times as many alcohol-related accidents today as usual. And I believe it, too. Just ask these guys down here.

Herrentag ist Unfalltag!

PS: Christi Himmelfahrt is the Ascension. A Himmelfahrtskommando is a kamikaze operation.

Now That’s What I Call Starting Off With A Bang

May 15, 2012 By in Helplessness, Hi-tech, High Art, Higher Education, Hurt Feelings Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , 2 Comments

A presidential jet carrying newly inaugurated French President Francois Hollande was hit by lightning en route to Berlin and forced to turn back to Paris, but the Socialist was unharmed and took off again in another plane, a presidential source said.

Damn. This Hollande guy is definitely more flashy than his predecessor Sarkozy was. When it comes to lightning, I mean.

Blitzschlag hin oder her. Angela Merkel empfing den französischen Präsidenten im Kanzleramt per Handschlag.

PS: Is there a metaphor here or something?

Germany Drains Spain’s Brains

April 29, 2012 By in Heconomy, Helplessness, Hi-tech, Higher Education, Hustle (Hoax) Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

In a ghoulish plan to intensify their already ironclad grip of an anemic Europe, depraved German industrialists have now begun luring unsuspecting southern European engineers to Germany by offering them well-paid jobs which will allow them (the depraved Germans) to drain their brains at leasure.

To make matters worse, if that were possible, another grisly gimmick has also been introduced in which so-called “blue cards” (green had already been taken) are being offered to skilled non-EU workers, as well. Although ostinsibly intended to “make the immigration process” easier, this “blue card” babble is clearly just another cynical euphemism for more German brain draining activity.

The gruesome brain-sucking capitalist bastards.

In December, a planeload of 100 Spanish engineers flew to nearby Stuttgart for a weekend of job interviews. Within a month, about a third of them had been hired. And some German companies have been making connections over the Internet, simply plucking Spanish, Portuguese, Greek and Italian professionals from sites like LinkedIn.

Bye Bye Birdie

April 26, 2012 By in Helplessness, Hi-tech, Higher Education, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , 2 Comments

Those damned Americans again. The shocking news just came out over here that some 6.8 migrating birds die each and every year over there due to all those awful and yucky radio towers they feel compelled to put up all over the place all the time (for conservative talk radio shows, we must assume).

When will they ever learn?

And when will anybody over here ever learn to start publishing the numbers for all those birds that get killed each and every year due to German wind turbines? Hey, you know the deal. One standard for North American radio towers, another for green energy sources.

Wenn die ständig leuchtenden Lampen an den 4500 Türmen, die höher als 150 Meter sind, durch blinkende ersetzt würden, könne die Zahl der daran sterbenden Vögel um 45 Prozent sinken.

CliffsNotes For Mein Kampf?

April 24, 2012 By in Hate, Helplessness, High Art, Higher Education, History, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

I don’t know, man. Adding critical commentary to Mein Kampf? It’s pretty full of critical commentary already if you ask me.

And as a schoolbook? Not good. With kids the way they are these days, if you have to start including commentaries in the text of Mein Kampf to debunk Hitler’s “arguments,” you’re only going to give them ideas.

“Das Ziel ist die Entmystifizierung des Buches.”

The Scum Also Rises

April 23, 2012 By in Habitudes, Helections, Helplessness, Hi-tech, High Art, Higher Education, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy Tags: , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

I’m really starting to like these Pirate guys, honest.

I mean, everybody knows that it’s all a big elaborate practical joke anyway, so why not just calm down, folks, and kick back and enjoy their fifteen minute ride of fame in vollen Zügen (to the fullest)?

One of the latest Pirate humdinger zingers (there have been so many these days that I’ve lost count) is the Berlin state parliament floor leader’s comparison of his party to another German party that turned out to be a bit less of a joke:  “The rise of the Pirate Party is as fast as that of the NSDAP between 1928 and 1933.” Just in case you didn’t know, the NSDAP was the Nazi party.

No politician in Germany, not even the geekiest of geeks, can say something like that by accident. So again: It was a joke. It had to have been. It really was a joke. A Pirate joke. Wasn’t it?

The remark was an outrageous transgression that can’t be excused by the party’s lack of experience.

1 Percent?

April 20, 2012 By in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Heconomy, Helplessness, Hi-tech, Higher Education, Home Cooking, Hustle (Hoax), Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , 3 Comments

That’s right. E-books only account for 1 percent of all book sales in Germany.

Why is this? Let us count the ways…

Germans believe they cannot read as well on digital reading devices. This is because they have never held a digital reading device in their hands, much less tried to read from one, but still.

Germans are convinced that they are “better” at reading from paper (I don’t make this stuff up, people).

Like savages who believe that a camera captures your soul, Germans believe that an e-book reader captures the souls of the books it, uh, holds captive (OK, that part I did make up).

But the biggest reason of all Germans don’t like e-books and e-book readers is that Germans don’t like technology. Technology that isn’t German, I mean.

“In Germany we’re still at 1 percent, but that’s already an increase of 77 percent from the previous year.”

PS: Of course low e-book sales in Germany might also have to do with the fact that German book prices are set by the German culture mafia (by the publishers!? = you pay the same artificially high price everywhere) so they get to set the e-book prices, too (you can pay up to $25 for one). And although printed books are exempt from Germany’s 19 percent value added tax, e-books aren’t. Not that the system is rigged or anything. I’m just saying.

German Historian Unclear As To What Happened Between 1939 and 1945

April 11, 2012 By in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Hate, Higher Education, History, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , 5 Comments

Completely clueless as to what happened in Germany and environs during what appears to have been a rather turbulant period roughly between 1939 and 1945, a young German historian has written a book in which he asks his readers to ask their grandparents if they might possibly know.

“Whatever it was, it must have been a pretty big deal,” the historian said. “And as my studies now indicate, immediately after this whatever it was event, conversations about it between parents and children appear to have been nearly impossible as it was, well, hell if I know. That’s part of the mystery. And that’s why I’ve written this book.”

Time is running out. The answer to how a cultured, civilized nation did something “I dunno” (text slightly altered here) lies in the minds of the dying generation that took part, many of whom are ready and willing to talk at the end of their lives.

Poor But Sexy But Drunk

April 9, 2012 By in Hard Facts, Heconomy, Higher Education, Home Cooking Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Traditional Kneipen (neighborhood pubs) are dropping like Fliegen (flies) these days in Germany.

The latest statistics indicate that their number has dropped nationwide from 48,000 to 36,000 since 2001.

But thank goodness Berlin and Berliners are standing up to buck the trend. While the number of Kneipen in other cities like Hamburg has dropped 48.1 percent during this period, the number of new Kneipen in Berlin rose 95.8 percent. Damn. You can’t set the bar much higher than that.

“Mit dem Wirtshaus verschwindet eine Einrichtung mit hohem sozialen und kulturellen Stellenwert aus den Gemeinden.”

German Peace Movement Thanks Grass

April 8, 2012 By in Habitudes, Hate, Helplessness, Higher Education, Home Cooking, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment

When not smoking it, I mean.

Literally dozens of German peaceniks hit the streets for Easter peace marches over the weekend calling for all things peace-like and supporting everything from peace visionary/poet Günter Grass to anti-death penalty protestation in front of the war mongering US-Amerikan Embassy in Berlin (Amerikans (they are Amerikans) not to mention Israelis (they are Jewish) no like peace, speak with forked toungue, kill Indians and Palestinians and conspire to do many, many other bad things all the time even right now as we speak).

Epiphany time: If only the rest of us could finally open up our hearts and learn from their shining example and give peace a chance and start living together in harmony together the world over, hand in hand, so-to-speak, with goodness and niceness for all. The world would be a better place, you know. You f*#!%ers.

“Du bist geblieben, was Du freiwillig geworden bist: der SS-Mann, der das 60 Jahre verschwiegen hat, aber den Bundeskanzler Kohl anpöbelte, weil der Hand in Hand mit einem amerikanischen Präsidenten einen Soldatenfriedhof besuchte, auf dem auch 40 SS-Gefallene liegen.”