What Germans Brought To Amerika?

October 11, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Higher Education, History, Home Cooking, Humor Tags: Berlin, German, German-American Day, Germans, Germany, Holidays, Immigration, TTIP 9 Comments

Other than bitching and moaning, you mean?

Whah? There’s a German-American Day? I had no idea, again. Too bad I missed the celebrations this year, too.

Hmmm. What did they bring to us (as in US), anyway? Well, there’s aspirin for one thing, for when the bitching and moaning gets to be too much. Gimme a minute. Gimme a minute, I said. OK, there’s the ring binder. That’s pretty cool. They also brought us the hair perm – and the Easter Bunny himself! Then there’s German chocolate cake. Ha, ha. Just kidding. A German doesn’t know what the hell German chocolate cake is, people. That’s as American as apple pie. Anyway, yeah. You know. They brought us stuff like that. And a lot of bitching and moaning, too. Happy holiday.

From Kindergarten and Christmas trees to hamburgers and hotdogs, German-Americans are credited with some of the most recognizable features of US culture to have emerged in the past 300 years.

Less than 5% now speak German themselves.

501 German Oddities For HOW Much?

October 10, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, High Art, Home Cooking, Humor Tags: Culture, Ebook Sales, eBooks, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Jokes, Sales, Satire, Travel Leave a comment

For only 99 cents? Why, that’s… 5.060606060606061 oddities per cent! A pretty high percentage of oddities there, I’d say. For the penny, I mean.

And worth every penny, too. Just ask Marina. If you happen to know her, I mean:

“Hermann, thank you for your blog and books, I am hooked. I recently picked up 501 German Oddities and couldn’t stop laughing. I am German, but live in Boston with my husband, who is from the area and grew up here. We cracked up so many times and just had a blast reading your book. It was actually eye opening at times to the both of us and explained some “odd” behaviors of mine to him. Super grateful for the book and can’t wait to see more blog entries. All the best, Marina.”

Sale ends next week! So hurry or something.

PS: Also available at Smashwords, Apple, Barnes & Noble, Kobo, Scribd, etc.

50,000 Demonstrators Expected!

October 7, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Heconomy, Helplessness, Hideology, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hypochondria, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, Communism, Demonstrations, Free Trade, German, Germans, Germany, Refugees, Rosa Luxemburg, Sahra Wagenknecht, Socialism, The Left Party, TTIP 1 Comment

Tens of thousands of Germans are ready to demonstrate in Berlin on October 10. Ready to demonstrate against their country being inundated by what will now be over 1.5 million refugees (this year), you ask? Nah. Langweilig (boring).

They’re foaming at the mouth about TTIP, that insidious US-Amerikanische “free trade” conspiracy that – according to leading Rosa Luxemburg lookalikes everywhere – will invariably lead to “lower standards of consumer protection, environmental protection and social standards on both sides of the Atlantic.” And it would also to more free trade, of course, which would be like the way grossest thing of all.

“I think someone wants the issue of the TTIP agreement to disappear from public view,” the politician said, referring to polls, according to which residents of those European countries where public debate on this issue is less intensive than, for example, in Germany or France, are less in favor of rejecting the contract.

Why Does This…

October 4, 2015 By Hermann Observer in History, Home Cooking, Humor Tags: Berlin, Day of German Unity, EU, German, Germans, Germany, Images, Migrants, National Holidays, Refugee Crisis, Refugees, Symbolism, Unification, Unity 1 Comment

Remind me of this?

Just kidding. Sort of.

When East and West Germany reunited 25 years ago this weekend, the country was drunk on euphoria and a sense of heightened optimism. While reigning chancellor Helmut Kohl promised “flourishing landscapes”, his predecessor Willy Brandt produced the now legendary sentence: “What belongs together, will grow together”.

To Pee Or Not To Pee

October 1, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hysteria Tags: Court Rulings, German, Germans, Germany, Men, Puns, Toilets, Urination 1 Comment

(In Germany) That is the question. Standing up, I mean.

And the next German court has just made its standpoint clear. They’re still on our side, men. Standing. Because they won’t stand for us having to roll over dead by sitting down like that. But how long can we keep going like this?

Gee wizz. Bladder enjoy it now while we still can because let’s face it, pal: Urine danger. So hang in there.

A court in Germany has once again ruled in favor of a man’s right to urinate while standing up after his landlord demanded money for damage to the bathroom floor.

And You Thought Your Government Wastes Money

September 30, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Heconomy, Helplessness, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings Tags: German, Germans, Germany, Government Waste, Spending, Studies, Waste 3 Comments

And it does. But the German state can burn the stuff up pretty good, too – at any level.

The German Federation of Tax Payers just came out with its latest “Black Book” of government waste, a breathtaking collection of 133 of the most impressive cases of abuse it found. Some are quite imaginative, I must say.

The city of Bergen on the island of Rügen, for instance, ordered 200,000 earthworms from a special firm in Holland for a sports field there – for over 7,000 euros. These special „Dutch Nightcrawlers“ were supposed to loosen up the hard playing field. They failed at that but made the field so “soiled” with worm Dreck (filth) that it couldn’t be used anymore.

Or how about the five manhole covers in Osnabrück with the colorful LED lamps on the side? They only cost 10,000 euros a shot. They sure are purty, though.

Then there’s the State Ministry for Culture boss who felt the need to have a “cemetery app” developed that would show its users where over 1,000 famous graves are located. It was called “Where They Rest” and all it did was redirect these users to the website with the same name. It only set tax payers back some 548,000 euros, however.

Nicht kleckern sondern klotzen, I say. Don’t take anything halfway.

City Of Berlin To Be Torn Down And Moved To A Functioning Airport Somewhere Else

September 29, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Heconomy, Helplessness, High Art, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings Tags: Airports, BER Berlin Brandenburg, Berlin, German, Germans, Germany 1 Comment

Well, not quite yet. But that would certainly be cheaper in the end.

Here’s the latest on Klaus Wowereit International:

Plagued by a series of construction problems, the Berlin Brandenburg Airport is years behind schedule and billions of euros (dollars) over budget. Lawmaker Jens Koeppen said in an interview published Sunday that all options should be considered, including building an entirely new airport.

“If there are problems that can’t be solved, and that’s clearly the case, then one needs to admit defeat and get off the dead horse.”

German Of The Day: Fack Ju Göhte 2

September 28, 2015 By Hermann Observer in High Art, Home Cooking, Humor Tags: Films, German, Germans, Germany, Goethe, Language, Movies, Shakespear, Translations Leave a comment

That of course means “Suck Me Shakespeer 2” in our language.

Thinking is easy, acting is difficult, and to put one’s thoughts into action is the most difficult thing in the world.

– Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.

– William Shakespeare

If my film makes one more person miserable, I’ve done my job.

– Woody Allen

What To Do When You Get Your Next German Panic Attack

September 17, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Health, Helplessness, Home Cooking, Humor, Hustle (Hoax), Hypochondria, Hysteria Tags: Angst, Anxiety, Disease Mongering, Dyspnea, German, Germans, Germany, High Anxiety, Hypochondria, Panic Attacks, Tachycardia, Tinnitracks, Tinnitus 1 Comment

First of all: Don’t panic.

Then stick your fingers in your ears because you’re probably about to develop an acute case of tinnitus. Because of all off that repressed panic or something.

But don’t panic about that, either. I SAID BUT DON’T PANIC ABOUT THAT, EITHER!

Panikattacken: Einfache Ratschläge gegen Atemnot, Schwitzen und Herzrasen

But I Didn’t Inhale

September 13, 2015 By Hermann Observer in Habeas Corpus, Habitudes, Health, Helections, Hideology, High Art, Humor Tags: Anton Hofreiter, Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Greens, Legalization, Legislation, Marijuana, Pot 1 Comment

Now this one here knocked my socks CLEAN off. Finally, some real news.

German GREEN whip Anton Hofreiter from the GREEN party has revealed in a shocking interview about his new GREEN Book entitled “Toking and Criminality” that yes, he, too, he HIM-GREEN-SELF actually smoked GREEN pot in his youth. He didn’t do it all that often, though. And it goes without saying that he didn’t inhale. And that was way back when in his youth, like he says. When he was young and stuff.

His drugs today are wine and beer. Damn. He reminds me of me.

“Ja, ich habe in meiner Jugend gekifft.”

Observing Hermann

“Was interessiert mich mein Geschwätz von gestern?”

Category Archives: Humor