No Contradiction Here

Just move along, folks. Nothing to look at here.

Loans

While German dedication to saving the German environment by ridding the country of nuclear power is in full swing (sort of), the German government has absolutely no problem using public money to guarantee the construction of nuclear power plants in other countries at the same time.

It’s not a contradiction really, though. Honest. Environment Minister Peter Almaier’s current ministry slogan is “high time that something changed” and they are even trying to set up an international club of countries who have done/will do away with nuclear energy. And that’s the main thing. So something has changed, sort of. The countries Germany is helping to build atomic energy programs for just won’t be allowed to join their club, that’s all.

“It is a gross contradiction, that we are pushing forwards with the change in energy generation while supporting atomic energy abroad.”  

“Laser”

Dr. Evil: [about his new “laser“] You see, I’ve turned the moon into what I like to call a “Death Star”. [Scott snickers]

Laser

German defense firm Rheinmetall Defense used a new high-energy laser weapons system to shoot fast-moving drones at a distance. The system, which uses two laser weapons, was also used to cut through a steel girder a kilometer away.

All I can say is thank goodness this technology is in German hands. That way it will only be used for peaceful purposes. You know, like making money, and stuff like that.

ONE MILLION DOLLARS!

Doing Business With Communist Regimes R Us

You won’t regret it, Pyongyang! Germans have always been the one-stop experts when it comes to laying the groundwork for foreign investment in crumbling shithole communist states!

Kim Jong Un

And here are just a few of the bennies your North Korean “companies” will soon be getting out of the coming deal:

We have absolutely no problem validating communism – we’ve been doing it for decades!

Our proven track record of indifference to the suffering populations under oppressive totalitarian regimes is virtually unmatched in the Western World!

Our economists and lawyers are all “can do will do” when it comes to selling expensive stuff to bullies of all varieties, no matter how bizarre, deranged or absolutely wacko they may be!

That is why you know that we support your latest master plan wholeheartedly – and we Germans KNOW a thing or two about master plans, too.

So remember Kim Jong: We are the pros when it comes to helping you help ourselves to help you help ourselves while helping you help us in the process.

“There is a master plan. They want to open up this year.”

You May Not Know This, Amerika…

But you are paralyzed. And it’s all the Republicans’ fault, too.

Paralyzed

I mean it’s not like it could ever be President Obama HIMSELF who refuses to budge when it comes to matters of the “fiscal cliff” kind. Could it?

What we’ve got here people, the Spiegel tells us, is not just a failure to communicate (and guess who’s Strother Martin here):

We are, in short, witnessing a superpower losing its way in a maze of details, propelled forward by grandstanding politicians (who aren’t the President) hewing slavishly to ideology.

Try And Stop Me

Some ideas are so unoriginal that they’re almost original. But only almost. That’s why it’s time for something completely different (not) and “Dinner for One, or the 90th Birthday” on New Year’s Eve – in Germany. Yet again.

Dinner for One

Happy New Year!

It’s a German New Year’s tradition – an English-language TV sketch that has been broadcast more often than any other program. It will be 50 years old in 2013.

10 Years Of College Down The Drain

I mean 10 years of hilarious German-Afghan Police Academy high jinks!

High jinks

German officials have been training police in Afghanistan for a decade, but a visit to their training center in Mazar-e-Sharif creates major doubts about the effectiveness of the mission. Afghan police remain poorly prepared to tackle the mighty challenges they will face as Western forces withdraw. 

“What we want to achieve with the recruits is a change in mentality,” says a German instructor. “More team spirit, a better sense of community, more loyalty. More soccer, less buzkashi*.”

*Buzkashi is the Afghan national sport and is a game in which horsemen battle over a goat carcass.