And I warned you twice, Hermann. Now I’m gonna beat you black and blue.

After millennia of callous neglect, Germany is finally prepared to address the scandalous issue of domestic violence against German men. And addressing it, as if it actually existed, is precisely what makes this all so scandalous. Talk about wussies, sheesh. Beam me up pronto, Scottie. It’s a freakin’ nuthouse here.

For the first time ever, two German states are launching an initiative to help male victims of domestic violence. Officials in Bavaria and North Rhine-Westphalia say they want to break the taboos surrounding the topic.

A three-pillar program to help men suffering from domestic violence was unveiled by the German states of Bavaria and North Rhine-Westphalia (NRW) on Tuesday.

The first pillar of the initiative would include a hotline and an online counseling platform for victims. The second pillar would see constructions of safe houses and counseling centers. Finally, the authorities aim to make the subject of violence against men “visible” and “break the taboo” surrounding it.

“Until now, there was hardly any help or support structures. There are possibilities to cooperate across state borders, most of all in creating a hotline and in the area of online counseling.”