Trump, Trumper, am Trumpsten

Am Trumpsten means “the most Trump-like” in German. Well it does now. I just made that up. That’s the cool thing about German. You can make up words right and left (in this case right?) and no force in the universe can stop you.

AfD

Anyway, it’s state election time in Germany today and Germany has a Trump-like problem. Germany’s Trump-like problem: Right-wing, anti-foreigner movement poised for big election win.

The problem has the same root cause the American Trump-like problem has, too. Nobody “up there” takes the worries of these folks “down here” seriously, particularly with regard to the refugee crisis. It’s time to dish out some punishment, see? This anger won’t lead to anything constructive, of course, but nobody who votes for the Trumps of this world thinks that far ahead or very much cares. Get your popcorn ready. It’s gonna be ugly.

„Die AfD könnte deutlich besser abschneiden als erwartet.“

Fukushima Five Years Later: Everything The Germans Feared Has Come True

Well, not really. Actually, none of it has. But still.

Fukushima

Let’s see… The reactor is under control – still. There are no cancer deaths or deformed babies to report after the radiation in Japan. Not one. The UN (UNSCEAR) even predicts that there will be no significant increase in the cancer rate in the area at all. The exclusion zone around Fukushima keeps getting smaller and smaller. Japan is not saying no to nuclear energy. Im Gegenteil (on the contrary): After a short break, Japan has returned wholeheartedly to nuclear energy. France and America never contemplated doing away with nuclear energy. Of all the countries that have access to nuclear energy, only Germany has taken such drastic action.

By the way, the fish in the waters around Fukushima have no more higher level of radiation than the fish found in the North Sea. Put that in your Spiegel and smoke it.

But the Atomausstieg (nuclear phase-out) – in Germany – was certainly worth it (this is what Germans still repeat to themselves before going to bed each night).

Well, maybe “worth it” isn’t quite the right term to use, taking into account the outrageous wind and solar energy subsidies that have driven/are still driving energy prices up through the roof here in Germany. But other than that, though, everything seems to be going to plan.

I’ve just got to ask: Are these the same people who planned Germany’s refugee policy, too?

Japan auf Jahrzehnte verseucht, Hunderte verstrahlt, Unzählige an Krebs gestorben. So stellte man sich die Folgen von Fukushima vor. Doch vieles ist anders gekommen.

Drug Snugglers Getting Trickier All The Time

I mean smugglers.

Drugs

OK. So like how did that customs dude at Frankfurt Airport determine that there are two silicon implants filled with cocaine in there (500 grams each)?

He must have been given a hot tip. Although any boob could see that those were loaded. I guess she got busted.

Die „Bild“ berichtet über den skurrilen Fund der Zollbeamten. Demnach sei die Frau schon auf dem zehnstündigen Flug aus Südamerika nach Frankfurt wegen ihrer enormen Oberweite aufgefallen.

Tick Tock Tick…

Get ready for the Big Hurt Feelings Party (in more ways than one) next Sunday, folks.

AfD

The far-right Alternative for Germany emerged as the third-largest party in municipal elections in the German state of Hesse on Sunday, in a likely preview of the success the party looks set to score in three state elections next weekend.

“For the CDU this is very unsatisfying.”

Schock für die großen Parteien, der Stimmungstest bei der Kommunalwahl in Hessen ging daneben. 

German Of The Day: Heile Welt

Heile Welt

To grasp this trauma (the refugee crisis) it helps to understand the German zeitgeist that developed (mainly in the former West Germany) in the post-war years, and lingered in the reunited country. Germans call it Heile Welt. The term means something like “wholesome world”, and describes an orderly, idyllic state. It may connote the nurturing environment parents create for their children to protect them from life’s ugliness, or a private oasis of peace amid public chaos. It was a state of mind that Germans clung to after the second world war…

Foreigners were allowed into this Heile Welt, but not entirely accepted. To man its assembly lines, Germany invited workers from southern Europe and especially Turkey. The millionth arrived in 1964 and got a motorcycle as a gift. By the time the programme ended in 1973, 4m foreigners lived in West Germany. But they were called “guest workers” rather than immigrants, on the premise that they would ultimately leave again. Unsurprisingly, most stayed. Yet mainstream Germany continued to see itself as ethnically homogenous—a Heile Welt in a tribal sense…

Gnomic wisdom: Some Germans react by fleeing into ever tinier Heile Welten. “We are becoming ever more like our garden gnomes.”

I Got Your Trading Partner For You Right Here, Pal

For the first time in 40 years US-Amerika has now surpassed France as Germany’s most important trading partner.

Trading Partner

Of course now everybody is trying to figure out who to blame for this and how to fix it.

One theory goes that the policy of low interest rates and the government bonds buyback program by European Central Bank president Mario Draghi has devalued the euro and made selling in other parts of the world a whole lot easier. I’ll “buy” that. Hardy, har, har.

Erstmals seit vier Jahrzehnten haben die USA Frankreich als wichtigsten Handelspartner Deutschlands abgelöst. 2015 seien Waren im Wert von 173,2 Milliarden Euro zwischen Deutschland und den Vereinigten Staaten gehandelt worden.

German Of The Day: Durchwinken

That means to wave through.

Merkel

And Angela Merkel HERSELF has just learned, like just today, an entire new German sentence with the word Durchwinken in it: Die Politik des Durchwinkens muß beendet werden. That means: The policy of just waving refugees through from one country to the next must now be stopped.

Like I said, she just learned it. It is quite a mouthful, isn’t it? So it’s certainly easy to understand why it took her this long to learn it.

“A refugee does not have the right to say ‘I want to be granted asylum in a particular country’ in the European Union.”

“Es gibt eben nicht ein Recht, dass ein Flüchtling sagen kann, ich will in einem bestimmten Land der Europäischen Union Asyl bekommen.”

German Spies Don’t Spy On Friends

But only because they appear to have Laurel and Hardy doing it.

BND

An attempt to wiretap John Kerry’s personal cellphone number back in 2013 failed, for instance, because the agent trying to do the listening in mixed up the US country code with one from Africa.

The Germans apparently had better luck spying on the former foreign policy chief of the European Union, Catherine Ashton back in 2008, however, although I have to assume that they misdialed this number, too. Maybe they were tying to listen in on that Jose Manuel Barroso guy instead?

Laut „Spiegel“ hatte der BND auch die Handynummer von US-Außenminister John Kerry 2013 in die Erfassung aufgenommen. Dabei habe es aber wegen einer Panne keine Abhörergebnisse gegeben: Ein BND-Mitarbeiter habe angeblich statt der Ländervorwahl der USA versehentlich die eines afrikanischen Landes eingegeben.

77 + 13 = Null Ahnung

Null means zero in German. Null Ahnung means “I have no idea” or “I haven’t a clue.”

Gone

So just do the math:

The other day we found out that 77 percent of the migrants who came to Germany in January did so without having any identification papers. Now we learn that 13 percent of all migrants located in Germany just get up and, well, disappear. They get registered with the authorities somewhere when they arrive and then puff! They’re gone.

Ergo… When it comes to migrants in Germany, this 77 + 13 = uhm, wait a second… nearly 100 percent “I have no idea” or “I haven’t a clue” about what the hell is going on here in this country anymore. And something tells me I’m not the only one.

Knapp jeder achte registrierte Flüchtling verschwindet nach seiner behördlichen Erfassung.

Send The Monk Dudes

They are by far the snappiest dressers. And they’re like, monks.

Monks

That’s right, folks. the Eurovision Song Contest* is coming up fast so the big question these days is: Who will Germany send to the freak show this year?

Damn. The only thing that could possibly top these guys would be a German girl burqa group. What a minute. Do you think…

With a mix of Gregorian chant and pop, the all-male choir is hoping to garner a ticket to Stockholm for the Eurovision Song Contest. The finale is set for May 14, 2016. The eight-man ensemble has 16 years of experience with live shows and has toured all over the world.

*They like to refer to it here as “ESC” but talk about your misnomer because there is definitely no escape.