Well I Thought It Was Real News, Too

German news is reporting that Iranian news is reporting that American news is reporting that a Gallup poll is reporting how rural white Americans prefer Ahmadinejad  to Obama.

Unfortunately (did I just write unfortunately?), this was just another satirical piece by The Onion. Dumb Iranians.

“I like him better,” said West Virginia resident Dale Swiderski, who, along with 77 percent of rural Caucasian voters, confirmed he would much rather go to a baseball game or have a beer with Ahmadinejad, a man who has repeatedly denied the Holocaust and has had numerous political prisoners executed, than spend time with Obama. “He takes national defense seriously, and he’d never let some gay protesters tell him how to run his country like Obama does.”

When Will The Hurt Feelings Ever End?

Germany has decided to take precautionary measures and will now be closing its embassies in Muslim countries after word got out that Bettina Wulff is currently planning to produce a Muhammad film.

“We have intensified security precautions everywhere in the region, and in some cases increased security personnel too.”

The German Embassy Got Stormed?

Who cares? The KFC got torched.

Good thing that this was a day of prayer. Otherwise the violence would have been much worse.

Die Botschaft hat nach Angaben des Außenministeriums teilweise in Flammen gestanden. Laut Berichten aus Khartum befestigten die Angreifer zudem eine schwarze Flagge mit arabischer Aufschrift am Eingang.

Germans Just Love The ECB’s New Bond-Buying Program

Not.

Which brings us to our next topic: The latest greatest German angst survey. A new study by R+V Versicherung (insurance) has just found out what Germans loved to be scared of most these days: The climbing cost of living (63 percent of those asked).

Außer den “Standard-Ängsten”, die die R+V Versicherung seit zwanzig Jahren bei 2500 Deutschen abfragt, stehen alljährlich auch aktuelle Themen zur Debatte.

Angela Tea Party Merkel

“Wait a minute… This seems familiar to me. Romney and Ryan stole all this from Angela Merkel! That which the Tea Party wants to do is already being done by Merkel here, and for quite some time now: She wants to force other European states to save instead of just continuing to throw money at them.”

“With Ryan as vice-presidential candidate, the presidential election now has two clear and easily understandable alternatives: Obama wants to save the economy by going further into debt (financed through taxes) and pumping this into the economy. Romney and Ryan want to save the economy by lowering taxes (which should lead to more private investment) and forcing the state to save.”

Ich habe jedenfalls nie verstanden, warum die Deutschen die Tea Party nicht mögen. Logisch ist das nicht: Einerseits sind die meisten Deutschen erschrocken und verängstigt ob des schwindelerregenden amerikanischen Haushaltsdefizits und fest überzeugt, dass Amerika die Staatsschulden abbauen muss. Sonst würde es doch irgendwann zusammenbrechen oder von China aufgekauft. Gleichzeitig aber hassen sie die einzige politische Bewegung, die genau dafür kämpft – die Tea Party.

And now here’s some economist rap.

Another In-Depth Spiegel Analysis

And it goes like this: “Romney dumb” (meaning “Obama smart”).

When it comes to objective, thorough and even-handed journalism (and the American presidential campaign) few international tabloids can compare with the quality reporting reported by Spiegel reporters.

The latest scoop for the German nation: Mitt Romney said “sheik” instead of “sikh.”

OMG. This is an issue, I guess. And shocking, or something. And proves something, I suppose.

Geepers creepers, that would be almost as inappropriate as saying these sorry Spiegel reporters are full of “Schiet” instead of “Scheiße” (Schiet, albeit correct, is a much more vulgar term here, I think).

Knapp drei Monate vor der US-Präsidentenwahl liegt Amtsinhaber Barack Obama in Umfragen weiter deutlich vor Romney.

40 Percent Feel Discriminated Against?

A new study showing that 40 percent of foreigners living in Germany feel discriminated against in everyday life has left numerous German social scientists completely puzzled.

“This was quite a surprise for most of us,” one expert noted, wishing to remain anonymous. “As everybody out there knows, this percentage should really be a whole lot higher. It’s like 60 or 70 percent easy, I’d say. Those dumb foreigners clearly don’t know what the hell is going on, as usual.”

“Meine Erfahrung ist, dass hochqualifizierte Menschen mit ausländischen Wurzeln teilweise befürchten, in normalen Bewerbungsverfahren ausgegrenzt zu werden.”

Grumbling German Jihadis Go Home

The German jihad just ain’t what it used to be.

A lot like those disgruntled Auswanderer (emigrant) types on Goodby Deutschland who invariably tuck in their tails and head back home in disgrace, hundreds of aspiring Islamic terrorists from Germany (and their families) have had it up to here already in Waziristan and are heading back to Deutschland in frustration and disgust.

It turns out that their living conditions in the mountains were tougher and less romantic than those portrayed in the promotional clips and what with the disease and the hardship and death always raining down from the sky from American drones and dozens of German combatants already dead, hey, not even going back to live in Germany seemed all that bad a prospect anymore.

What do you think? Which one of these guys is going to turn out to be the next Daniela Katzenberger?

“The first time I heard about going to Pakistan, my eyes almost popped out of my head. I didn’t even know if you could get Pampers there.”

The Protective Hand

You’ve heard of the invisible hand being everywhere in the free market system, right? Well if you’re a left-wing terrorist in Germany you can count on having a protective hand taking care of you, too. When it comes to the German justice system, I mean.

Four years for being an accessory to murder? Deduct the trial time, which they already have, and RAF terrorist Verena Becker will be out on the street in no time (the safe German street, now that the RAF isn’t active there anymore).

What can I say? The German judicial system has ein Herz für linke Terroristen (left-wing terrorists). They are the ones who are always the Opfer (the victims). The system made them that way or something. That’s why this article confirms “that the sentence was relatively light, but that’s a good thing.” Why that’s a good thing is still not clear to me. But I’m not German.

Germany’s Federal Interior Ministry insists that portions of the BfV files on Becker will remain confidential, as will passages in the documents related to when she was pardoned in 1989 by then German President Richard von Weizsäcker. All of this incomprehensible secretiveness has only contributed to fostering more speculation.

Michael Buback, the son of the murdered prosecutor, added some emotional moments to the trial. In a statement before the court, the chemistry professor from Göttingen admitted to feeling “attacked, insulted and disparaged” by federal prosecutors. What’s more, he accused investigators of having held a “protective hand” over Becker.

How Could He Have Said That?

Boy oh boy, German President Joachim Gauck is in hot water with the German Left now. Bless his heart.

During a visit to something called the Leadership Academy for the Bundeswehr in Hamburg, he had the gall to demand “more openness” when it comes to Bundeswehr operations abroad.

He then had the nerve to say that there are once again German fallen (as in the soldier kind) no longer amoung us “who are hard to handle for those living in our pleasure-addicted society.”

And then he even had the chutzpah to say that violence can be “necessary and sensible when used to prevent violence itself.”

Needless to say, German lefties of all 57 varieties are now having a collective cow and lecturing him and the rest of us (I mean you) about how irresponsible such utterances can and must be whenever they come out of a German mouth. The same old same old, in other words.

You just can’t say stuff like this in Germany. It’s verboten. It’s taboo. And this guy says it anyway. In case you haven’t noticed, this is a President I like.

Schäfer nannte Gaucks “Äußerungen, um Opfer zu rechtfertigen, völlig falsch und fatal.”