Category Archives: High Art

Justin Bieber To Spank His Monkey

April 23, 2013 By in Habeas Corpus, Hard Facts, Helplessness, High Art, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment

For not having any papers on him after landing in Munich in March. Or he sure would like to spank him now, I bet.

Bieber

The popular god-awful and astoundingly annoying suckling superstar clearly had no idea that German customs authorities don’t cut slack for anybody, not even for monkeys – or a guy who’s last name means “beaver” in German.

His dumbass animal of a monkey “Mally” is still under animal shelter arrest and won’t be going anywhere until Bieber or an actual grownup get in touch with the German customs authorities directly (that is the custom here) and he’s running out of time fast.

This gives Leave It to Beaver a whole new meaning, if you ask me. Whether he spanks his monkey or not.

“Ward, I’m worried about the Beaver.”

Germany Honestly Not Seeking Hegemony In Europe I Swear

April 22, 2013 By in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Heconomy, Helplessness, High Art, History, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

German Chancellor Angela Merkel rejected again today claims that her country was seeking hegemony in the European Union.

Hegemony

“We already are the largest economy in Europe,” she might have said. “Like, by a long shot. So why on earth would we want to do that? All we want to do is just keep exercising our predominant influence over all those other namby-pamby nations around us and with time, through peaceful terms and non-aggression, achieve world, I mean, total European domination.”

“Germany has a sometimes complicated role,” she actually said. “Because we are the largest economy – we are not the richest, but we are the largest. Therefore Germany will only act together with the others – hegemony is totally foreign to me.”

Let There Be Light

April 18, 2013 By in Hard Facts, Helplessness, Hi-tech, High Art, Higher Education, History, Humor Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment

Or at least a little more of it in the eastern half of town, I mean.

Berlin

“Berlin at night. Amazingly, I think the light bulbs still show the East/West division from orbit.”

PS: Speaking of interesting aerial shots of Berlin…

Hakenkreuz

OK, OK. This is in San Diego. But still.

There actually is one of these in Berlin, I’m told. I just couldn’t find it right now. Anybody know where?

Gold-obsessed German Smuggler Drops Plans To Rob Fort Knox

April 13, 2013 By in Heconomy, Helplessness, High Art, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , 2 Comments

But gets caught at Athens International Airport attempting to smuggle half a ton of gold and silver out of Greece to Germany instead.

Goldfinger

Wait a second. Aren’t the Germans the ones who are supposed to be smuggling their gold (as in Geld) into Greece these days?

The man was trying to board a Lufthansa flight back to Germany when the airline uncovered nearly 1,000 lbs. of what the BBC calls silver “tablets” in a cargo container.

Germans Tired Of Being Cast As The Euro Zone’s Scapegoats

April 11, 2013 By in Habitudes, Hate, Heconomy, Helplessness, High Art, History, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment

But once they take a nap and rest a little bit, they won’t be so tired anymore.

Scapegoats

Sometimes Germany was too weak, sometimes too strong. Or, as Henry Kissinger, a former American secretary of state, put it, referring to Germany just after unification in 1871, it was “too big for Europe, but too small for the world”. Today, Mr Simms (Cambridge University) argues, “it sits uneasily at the heart of an EU that was conceived largely to constrain German power but which has served instead to increase it, and whose design flaws have unintentionally deprived many other Europeans of sovereignty.”

The question is whether Germany can use its power by unapologetically leading. Given Germany’s past, its political culture militates against even trying.

“It’s nice to go to a conference of ‘young leaders’, but you don’t want a conference of ‘junge Führer’.”

Hitler Diaries’ Reporter Wants Real Fakes Back Not Fake Fake Ones

April 10, 2013 By in Helplessness, High Art, History, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hustle (Hoax) Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

They may be a crude forgery, Gerd Heidemann seems to be saying, but they’re my crude forgery (although the actual shabby work was done be a certain Konrad Kujau).

Schtonk!

It’s been ten years now and apparently they’re his property again, or so his interpretation of the original contract, and if he could get them back from the Stern’s publisher, Gruner & Jahr, Heidemann would “make them available to Germany’s national archive,” thus, well, gee, I dunno what the hell for, either.

“I’ve really got to have a serious talk with Eva. She thinks that a man who leads Germany can take as much time as he wants for private matters.”

Berlin Brandenburg Airport Finished After All

April 7, 2013 By in Heconomy, Helections, Helplessness, High Art, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

And in a record time of six months, too!

Lego

Now located at the city’s LEGOLAND Discovery Center, Berlin’s stunning new Willy Brandt International Airport is said to be made up of some 100,000 bricks.

Critics say that that the difficulties with handling today’s complex technology have been compounded by hasty, negligent work due to the intense time pressures. Underlying these problems appears to be a culture of political dishonesty. “Many politicians want prestigious large-scale projects to be inseparably connected with their names.”

Rookie Dictator Just Can’t Get Anybody To Take Him Seriously

April 5, 2013 By in Health, Helplessness, Hideology, High Art, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hustle (Hoax), Hypochondria, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , , , , 2 Comments

In the latest feeble attempt to get the entire world to cower in fear before him, AZUBI (apprentice) communist dictator Kim Jong Un has now warned the German embassy in Pyongyang (and other foreign embassies as well) to consider evacuating their employees ASAP.

Rookie

North Korea will not be able to guarantee their safety in the event of the imminent conflict and subsequent Weltuntergang (Armageddon) which is about to take place honest I swear it is, he said.

And if these employees of yours are not evacuated real soon like, Kim Jong Un then went on to say, he may then have to seriously consider airing a live worldwide television broadcast (OK, YouTube) in which he will hold his breath until his face turns blue. No, he means red.

Nordkorea, das wegen seines Atomwaffenprogramms international isoliert ist, reiht seit Wochen militärische Drohungen insbesondere gegen die USA und Südkorea aneinander. Am Donnerstag hatte der Generalstab der nordkoreanischen Volksarmee mitgeteilt, ein Atomangriff auf die USA sei nun “offiziell genehmigt.”