We’ve Come A Long Way, Baby

Landshut – A desperate mother called the police in Landshut because her seven-year-old daughter refused to go to bed. It had come to a heated argument between the two, the police reported, during which the girl insulted her mother and threw various objects at her. Once the 28-year-old got to the end of her rope she alerted the police. The officers calmed down the flared tempers. After a “tooth brushing under official supervision,” a policewoman brought the girl to bed.

Police

Landshut – Eine verzweifelte Mutter hat in Landshut die Polizei gerufen, weil ihre siebenjährige Tochter nicht ins Bett gehen wollte. Es kam zu einem heftigen Streit zwischen den beiden, wie die Polizei mitteilte. Dabei beleidigte das Mädchen die Mutter und bewarf sie mit verschiedenen Gegenständen. Als sich die 28-Jährige nicht mehr zu helfen wusste, alarmierte sie am Abend die Polizei. Die Beamten beruhigten die erhitzten Gemüter. Eine Polizistin brachte das Mädchen nach «einer Zahnreinigung unter amtlicher Aufsicht» ins Bett.

Pepper Spray’s Scarce These Days

As you all well know, Germans don’t do guns (unlike uncivilized American types). They are a peace-loving, law-abiding Volk.

Pepper Spray

But hot diggity damn do they ever love buying pepper spray! Some would say da liegt der Hase im Pfeffer (the rabbit’s in the pepper) = And that is crux of the matter.

A spate of hundreds of sex assaults allegedly committed mostly by North African men on New Year’s Eve in Cologne has sparked an “explosion in sales” of pepper spray and non-lethal guns, German officials and an industry chief said.

Authorities are investigating more than 670 criminal complaints — almost 350 of them sexual offenses — after hundreds of women were groped and robbed by groups of men outside the main railway station in the western city.

“Die Verkäufe von Pfefferspay sind seit Sommer 2015 angestiegen. Momentan verkaufe ich an einem halben Tag so viele wie sonst in zwei Monaten, 30 bis 50 Stück können da schon mal über den Tresen gehen.”

Last Man Standing

Only she’s a girl.

Merkel

You have called Angela Merkel the modern-day empress of the eurozone. What do you mean?

The title empress reflects, in my view, two realities of present-day Europe. First, the Germans look so strong because the others look so weak. The British are withdrawing from Europe. The French are down but not out. They’re unable to rev up their economy – same thing for the Italians, same thing for the Spaniards. So, when you add it all up, who is the last man – or in this case, the last woman – standing?

The second reason is more concrete – the Germans have been in the vanguard of driving home fealty to the eurozone’s foundational treaties. These conventions enjoined member states, like Greece, not to overspend and over-borrow and, at the same time, to make their economies more efficient. Merkel and her finance minister are not austerity mongers as everybody is harping on about. They are committed to the original treaties’ stated rules that require eurozone members to reform their economies and become more competitive.

Zum ersten Mal seit 2005 könnte die Union einer Umfrage zufolge die absolute Mehrheit erreichen. Die Partei wäre mit 43 Prozent der Stimmen stärker als all anderen Parteien zusammen.

Bundeswehr To Become Even More Effeminate

Who would have thought that? Only eleven percent of German troops are currently women. This must change, of course.

Women

German Defense Minister Ursula von der Leyen, herself one of the eleven percent, has decided that in the medium-term, the percentage of women currently not doing anything that other soldiers in other armies do (some call it combat) must be increased to 20 percent.

The reason behind this appears to be that by effectively reducing the combat strength of an army, this will effectively increase the combat strength of an army. Not your own army or anything, but still.

The inglorious Bundeswehr: The German army was never meant to function on its own. Now it barely functions at all.

Elf Prozent der Truppe ist derzeit weiblich. Verteidigungsministerin Ursula von der Leyen will diesen Wert verbessern und ruft ein neues Ziel aus: “Auf mittlere Sicht” soll der Frauenanteil auf 20 Prozent steigen.

Stress Lady’s Back

Now she’s stressed out about being in something called the “sandwich generation.”

Stress

Just eat more vegetables and get over it already, sweetheart. Sheesh. When this broad ain’t stressed out about sandwiches she’s stressed out about this, this, this or this. She’s really starting to stress me out. Know what I’m sayin’?

Rund 82 Prozent der deutschen Frauen zwischen 40 und 59 Jahren fühlen sich nach einer Studie zwischen Beruf, Familie und teilweise auch Pflege von Angehörigen immer wieder überfordert.

PS: Oddity 448. The word “Stress” is used more frequently and has a much more negative connotation in German than it does elsewhere. It is a very dirty six-letter word here. Germans strive to achieve a stable, stress-free life within predictable confines and anything that interferes with this is more stressful for them than any of us non-Germans out there can imagine. Germans will even get stressed out about stress that they don’t even have yet, thus subjecting themselves to even more stress and feelings of inadequacy (for not being under this type of stress yet), which can also be very stressful. Needless to say, this makes it very stressful for those otherwise non-stressed individuals out there who have to witness all of this.

As If German Women Talking During Sex Wasn’t Bad Enough Already

Now they’re talking about it again. Like afterwards even.

Sex

Must be a slow news day. This is clearly a re-run of a re-run that’s already done run. Not just the talking part, I mean. These clips, too.

But at least it’s in German. German women speaking German are pretty sexy, I find.

Frauen sprechen über Sex: Das erste und das letzte Mal

Germany’s Eurovision Preselection Winner Forced Out To Meet New Gender Quota

No sooner did the German women already running the country pass a law requiring that at least 30% of non-executive members at large companies be women than was Andreas Kümmert, the fair and square winner of the chance to represent Germany at this year’s all-important Eurovision song contest, forced at what might as well have been gunpoint to hand over his spot to runner-up Ann Sophie, a woman.

Kümmert

Kümmert, A man, I think, his arm being held tightly behind his back, shocked the German Eurovision preselection audience by announcing “I’m really not in the right shape to accept this. Honest I’m not! I swear I swear I swear. You take it, Ann Sophie. And you run with it, girl!”

Sheesh. These broads never would have gotten away with this last year.

German Women Lousy Combat Soldiers But Still Hot

A survey conducted among German men soldiers in the Bundeswehr has revealed that 34 percent of them do not believe that German women soldiers are up to life in the field. 52 percent say that women cannot physically carry out the demanding duties required of them. A third of the men asked believe that women in these positions have led to a reduction of something they refer to as “combat strength.”

Women

So maybe that’s why fifty-five percent of women in the Bundeswehr have reported some kind of sexual mistreatment on the job, with 47 percent citing verbal abuse, 25 percent saying they had been confronted with pornographic images and 24 percent telling researchers they had experienced “unwanted sexually motivated physical contact.”

But wait a minute here. That line up there about German combat strength just doesn’t fly. The real question here, if you ask me, is what does the Bundeswehr even need combat soldiers for in the first place? The Bundeswehr doesn’t “do” combat as all the world knows that Germans are pacifists and combat is strictly verboten.

Das Leben im Feld? Dem seien die Frauen nicht gewachsen, sagten 34 Prozent (2005: 28 Prozent). Körperlich anspruchsvolle Aufgaben? Die könnten Frauen nicht ausfüllen, sagen inzwischen 52 Prozent (2005: 44 Prozent). Über ein Drittel der Männer beklagt inzwischen durch Frauen den Verlust der Kampfkraft.