Just like practically everything else around here. It’s called Gefährliche Öko-Hysterie (Dangerous Eco-Hysteria or DEH) and has blossomed out to become one of the top Volkskrankheiten (collective, people’s diseases) in the country, although I couldn’t give you it’s official ranking on the official top-ten disease list because these top-ten diseases change every few minutes anyway.

The problem with German Greenness or DEH is not so much that everyone in Germany has swallowed what the green shirts have been feeding them for decades. Hook, line and sinker, I mean. The problem here arises when the Widersprüche (contradictions) of green shirt ideology begin popping up their ugly little pointed heads. And they do this all the time, if you just look a little closer. Here are just a few such contradictory symptoms that might catch your attention:

“Are energy-saving lamps environmentally friendly if they contain poisonous mercury? Is organic farming truly ecological if twice as much land is needed for the same harvest? Are wind power plants environmentally friendly if they hack thousands of birds and bats to pieces? What effects does biodiesel have on nature if it comes from palm oil and rainforests have to be burned down to cultivate that? Why aren’t German friends of the sun concerned that Chinese solar cell factories pollute the environment and poison people?”

Try as they might, the Germans, green as they may claim to be, nevertheless have no choice but to start thinking about such contradictions from time to time and these contradictions can cause intense innere Spannung (inner tension) and Aufruhr (turmoil). They wonder if maybe the green regime isn’t what it claims to be after all. Some have even begun listening and watching Feindsender (enemy radio stations, TV and Internet sites), although this is strictly forbidden, of course. One or two have even organized Widerstand (resistance groups). Of course I’m just speculating here about the one or two organizing Widerstand but you must admit that it is at least theoretically possible.

Anyways, I want all of you to take two green aspirin and call me in the morning. Better yet, take two green aspirin and go away. Go off to Valhalla or Waldhalla or wherever it is you greens go to when you fade away, which will never be fast enough for me. You dangerously eco-hysterical sickos, you.

Alle sind grün geworden, von Angela Merkel bis Margot Käßmann, von “Bild” bis “Brigitte”, von der Allianz bis zum ADAC. Sogar McDonald’s hat sein Logo von rot auf grün umgefärbt. Gleichzeitig wird immer verschwommener, für was die Etiketten “grün” oder “nachhaltig” überhaupt noch stehen.