Category Archives: Humor

German Of The Day: Flaschenpost

February 23, 2020 By in Hard Facts, Helplessness, High Art, Home Cooking, Humor Tags: , , , , , , , Leave a comment

That means message in a bottle.

Flaschenpost

Message in a bottle thrown into Rhine by German family found in New Zealand – Eight years after throwing a bottle containing a message into the Rhine, a German family has been contacted by New Zealanders who say they found the message 18,000km away. But the finder didn’t give their address.

It almost sounds too, I dunno, implausible to be true.

“We are still totally surprised to have received feedback after all this time. And then of all the places, from New Zealand, our dream destination, to which we have unfortunately not yet been.”

German Of The Day: Rodungsstopp

February 18, 2020 By in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Heconomy, Helplessness, Hideology, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hypochondria, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , 2 Comments

That means to stop the clearing. Of trees, in this case.

Tesla

That this particular Rodungsstopp could also stop the construction of Tesla’s planned Gigafactory in Brandenburg – and what could turn out to  be the livelihood of 12,000 people – doesn’t seem to interest the greener than green politicians who have sought it.

Tesla has been ordered to temporarily halt preparations for a car factory in Germany after environmentalists won a court injunction on Sunday…

Protesters say the factory is a threat to local wildlife and water supplies…

According to local media reports, Tesla has promised to relocate colonies of forest ants, reptiles and bats, and is working with conservationists. Last month, authorities defused seven Second World War bombs discovered at the site.

Tesla currently has two Gigafactories in the US and one in Shanghai, China.

Der Rodungsstopp an der geplanten Tesla-Fabrik in Brandenburg alarmiert die Wirtschaft: Mehrere Verbände warnen vor Konsequenzen für den gesamten Standort Deutschland.

German Of The Day: Bitch

February 9, 2020 By in Hard Facts, Helplessness, Hi-tech, Hideology, High Art, Home Cooking, Humor Tags: , , , , , , Leave a comment

That means bitch.

Buzz

Remember: Germany is the land of Goethe and Schiller. These two guys are Goethe und Schiller 2.0.

How many ex-boyfriends have you already had, bitch?
Look at me, bitch. Look at what a beauty I am. Ten.
Oh my God!

Honey, how many ex-boyfriends do you have, bitch?
I’m much too young. I’m not allowed to have a boyfriend.
Oh my God!
Ra-ta-ta-ta!

Bitch, how many ex-boyfriends do you have?
I don’t have an ex-boyfriend yet, bitch.
Oh my God!

Hysteria Time

February 6, 2020 By in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Helections, Helplessness, Home Cooking, Hostility, Humility, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

It’s just what the doctor ordered for the morally outraged. More moral outrage. The Nazis are coming back to Germany again or something. And again and again and again. Yawn.

FDP

Thomas Kemmerich, a liberal democrat from the FDP, became Thuringia’s new Minister-President on Wednesday (5 February), thanks to support from the Christian Democrats (CDU) and the far-right AfD– a first in post-war Germany.

So?

The real issue is a sour grapes kind of thang… In the final round of voting, Kemmerich surprisingly edged out the incumbent Bodo Ramelow, from the leftist Die Linke party, who was planning to build a minority coalition with the Greens and the social democratic SPD.

The AfD didn’t so much vote the FDP guy in – a party that will have nothing to do with them, by the way – as vote the red-redder-green folks out. Now that’s outrageous. Scheiße happens, folks.

More outrage here: “A candidate from the democratic center has won!”

Can You Tell The Difference?

February 2, 2020 By in Hard Facts, Heconomy, Helplessness, Hideology, High Art, Home Cooking, Humor, Hype, Hypochondria, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Apparently in celebration of the recent trademarking of her name and the #FridaysForFuture movement, climate change activist Greta Thunberg has been turned into a wax statue in Germany.

Greta

No, not her personally. I mean she has been immortalized in sculpture at the Panoptikum wax museum in Hamburg. An interesting twist: Thunberg’s sculpture is reportedly the first in the museum that will change clothes as the seasons change. Kind of odd if you think about it, though. With the temperature rising due to climate change is this going to turn into some kind of bizarre striptease or something? And what about the issue of melting wax, huh? Has anybody given that any thought? Maybe it’s time to start a new movement to combat that. Do I have to think of everything here, people?

Greta 2

Can you tell which one up there is Greta and which one is made of wax? You don’t think both could be made of wax, do you?

What Does SPD Stand For?

January 24, 2020 By in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Heconomy, Helplessness, Hideology, Home Cooking, Humility, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Other than Social Democrat Party, I mean. Shekels, Payola and Dough?

SPD

Or is it more like Scratch, Plunder and Dinero?

When not fighting for the rights of the working class and alleviating the capitalist economic oppression of the masses, ex-vice chancellor and national chairmen of Germany’s Social Democrat Party Sigmar Gabriel enjoys doing part-time community service work serving on the supervisory board of the freakin’ Deutsche Bank.

It’s understandable. Sort of. He recognized there was a problem with Deutsche Bank years ago (he wasn’t the first, however) and now only wants to take this opportunity to help them clean things up.

“Deutsche Bank, as one of the most important financial institutions in Europe, has the opportunity and the responsibility to help shape the future of the German and European economy. I want to play a part in this.”

58 Percent Female Directors

January 23, 2020 By in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Helplessness, High Art, Home Cooking, Humor, Hype, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

And 97 percent crappy movies. Which is actually down from past years. So keep up the good work or something.

Crap

The Berlin Film Festival on Wednesday unveiled its Generations sidebar lineup, consisting of 59 children and youth films, with 58 percent of the titles, both feature-length and short films, directed by women.

Berlin organizers recently also said that the festival’s co-production market, where producers look for partners to finance their new projects, will feature more than 50 percent female-directed films for the first time in its 17-year history.

PS: What prevented the token woman from getting her diet coke from the soda machine? She didn’t have enough quotas to pay for it.

“Your Visa Got Approved”

January 17, 2020 By in Hard Facts, Helplessness, Hi-tech, Humor Tags: , , , , , , , Leave a comment

That’s about as seductive as it’s going to get.

Seductive

At the German foreign office.

German foreign office sorry for #SeduceSomeoneInFourWords tweet – Germany’s foreign office has apologised for tweeting a joke about its visa application process being seductive.

The joke was based on the trending hashtag #SeduceSomeoneInFourWords, where Twitter users come up with four words that could spark romance.

The @GermanyDiplo Twitter account tacked on the hashtag to its tweet: “Your visa got approved.”

The joke was deleted hours later and a second tweet admitted that humour was “not always our strong suit.”

It’s Immigrants Like You That Give Immigrants Like You A Bad Name

January 16, 2020 By in Hard Facts, Helections, Helplessness, Hideology, Home Cooking, Hostility, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

In Germany.

Immigrants

Immigrants Are Big Fans of Germany’s Anti-Immigrant Party – The fiercest devotees of the far-right AfD aren’t native Germans but migrants from Russia.

AfD is generally seen as a xenophobic, nativist force in German politics, and yet one of its key constituencies is foreign-born. The party claims that one-third of its voters are Russian Germans, and a recent study has shown that although this figure is probably exaggerated, support for the party among Russian Germans is above the national average. While AfD has a reputation for anti-Semitism, its voters also include a small but growing number of Russian Jews.

“We had huge problems entering the country. And other people have it really easy. They are simply waved through.”

German Word Of The Day: Unwort

January 14, 2020 By in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Helplessness, Hideology, Higher Education, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy, Hysteria, Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , , 2 Comments

That means un-word or taboo word. Which brings us to the German un-word of the year 2019: Klimahysterie.

Hysteria

That means “climate hysteria” (ín German it’s one word).

A “language critical” jury has selected climate hysteria as the taboo word of the year 2019. The rationale behind the decision is that it “slanders the climate protection movement and its efforts.”

Yes, as a matter of fact it does. But this wasn’t a “political critical” decision, it was a “language critical” one, right? The Brain Police are everywhere, people. Everywhere, I tell you…

Eine sprachkritische Jury hat “Klimahysterie” zum Unwort des Jahres 2019 gekürt, Ausdruck würden “Klimaschutzbemühungen und die Klimaschutzbewegung diffamiert und Debatten diskreditiert”, hieß es zur Begründung.